The Lonely Wolf
by fluppy
Summary: An unfortunate imprint. The real reason why Joshua Uley left. Chapter 31 - Another Chance?
1. A Couple In Love

I take merely moments to carve our initials into the tree; J and J for eva. Joshua and Julia. High school sweet hearts. Well, just school sweethearts really; we met on our very first day. She was my first kiss, and I got into my first fight claiming her back off some idiot guy she'd taken a shine to; Harry Clearwater. Now one of my best friends, once he learnt she was nobody's but mine. Harry and Billy loved to tease me for things like this; the little 'soppy' things I like to do for her. I love the look on her face when she sees them; her eyes becoming so large and shining and bright they dominate her entire face. If I'm honest, I like the physical response I have to them too.

* * * * *

"Where were _you_ in last period?" Julia's eyes berate at the same time they laugh.

"Ah, who needs history, I mean what's done is done right? I'm all about the here and now."

She rolls her eyes, the same way she always does. "Josh, you're _such_ a dork."

I scoop up her swinging hand. "Yep, that's me. And I have something extremely dorky to show you." I start running, pulling her along breathlessly behind me, papers scatter over the grass.

"Joshua! Slow down! They might be important..." Her hand slips from mine. I slow down and look back to see her wistfully gazing at the ground.

"Nothing's more important than you and me, baby."

As always I throw her out of her serious mood and into one more like my own; carefree and spontaneous. Laughing, she drops her remaining bundle, runs with me into the trees. It takes us a while, stopping to make out between hikes, before we reach a small clearing where all we can hear is the faint crashing of the surf and the terrified scurry of small animals in the underbrush.

I cover her eyes with my hands, which she brushes at, and pull her over to the trees.

She giggles as I release her to view my masterpiece. "Oh, Joshua, you really _are_ a dork. But you're _my_ dork."

Trees have other uses too, apparently.


	2. I Know When I'm Right

I have to think of something to outdo every other silly little gesture I have ever done. Mooning; totally inappropriate. Dinner; done, done and boring. Age old stroll along the beach...expected, but...maybe.

We're about to finish high school - or at least Julia is, I have no idea if I have done well enough to pass - and I plan to make our final day the day I propose. Harry and Billy called me mad, but I know there is no-one else for me but her, so why wait? Why waste time dating other random women when I know in the end I'll always come back to her? My mind is made up, wedded bliss here I come...as long as she says yes that is.

* * * * *

"What are you doing this time?"

"You'll see, Jules. Be patient." Ha. Patience is definitely not one of her better qualities. I pull her, blindfolded through the trees again, to the place where I carved our initials. Tonight I have set us up a midnight feast and for dessert...that beach stroll. Unoriginal, but appealing. She is as proud of her heritage as I am, so it seems like the perfect balance of meaningful and romantic.

I pull her to a stop and carefully undo the blindfold.

"Oh, Joshua, this is beautiful." She throws me a quizzical look. "What have you done this time?"

"Can't I just do something because I love you?"

She actually simpers. I've never seen her do that, she's such a strong personality.

"As long as you remember this changes nothing. Equals."

"Always." I plant a gentle kiss behind her ear. "Now let's eat, I'm starving."

The forest echoes with her laughter.

"Since when are you _not_?"

I nod in acknowledgement of that and straighten one side of the picnic blanket for her; improvising on pulling out a seat.

"Champagne, Joshua? Last I checked we were still eighteen and the legal drinking age was twenty one."

I roll my eyes. "Lighten up, Jules. Enjoy." I pour her a huge glass. She takes it gingerly, scowling slightly. I lean towards her.

"It's ok to break the rules sometimes."

She continues to stare into her champagne flute, a slight frown evident between her brows.

I reached out to take the glass off her but with one mischievous glance; she downs the lot in one gulp.

"Jules! You don't have to smash the rules to smithereens, a fracture will do!"

"Oh, don't be a fuddy duddy. If we're going to do this, let's do it right!"

It's my turn to laugh, and gaze at her admiringly. These are the things that I love about her.

"I suppose you'd pass for twenty one anyway." She says between mouthfuls. "You look more like twenty five." She runs her hands up the muscles that have recently appeared along my arms. "I like it." She frowns again, and slides her hand back down. "Are you sick?"

"Only with love for you."

She rolls her eyes and swats at me. "I'm serious, you feel like you're on fire."

"I feel fine. Are you done yet?" I'd already eaten my share and more.

She was still staring at me, concerned. "I guess. Are you tired?"

"Not even slightly. Let's go for a walk on the beach."

She jumps up and begins to make her way out of the trees, glancing back at me over her shoulder. "Come on then, slow poke!"

I feel in my pocket, trace my fingers over the smooth velvet box, and lightly follow. "What, last one there's a rotten egg?"

I lose sight of her, but her laughter drifts back to me.

* * * * *

We walk along the beach for a good half an hour before I work up my nerve.

"Josh, I'm sure we've already been this way."

"Probably, but it's so pretty here, with the unobstructed view over the ocean."

"Sure, but we can't stay here all night." I drop to one knee, and she quickly misinterprets my action.

"Joshua!" Her hand rushes to my forehead. "Are you alright?"

I grab both her hands in mine. "I told you, I'm fine. Except the butterflies of course."

She finally understands and her mouth falls open in an 'o' of surprise.

"Julia," I pull the ring box out of my pocket and pop it open, holding it out for her to see. "Marry me, please?"  
My whole world seems to centre on this moment; my breath catches, my heart stops as I await her answer.

Her mouth twitches up at the corners, try as she might to keep a straight face, and I dare to breathe. Just a little.

"Of course I will." I slide the ring quickly onto her finger, then jump up to wrap her in my arms and spin her round in my excitement.

"You're making me dizzy!" She giggles in my ear. "I said yes, doesn't that mean you have to let me live?"

Smiling broadly I let her slip slowly back to her feet.

"I love you, Julia."

"I love you too, Joshua." My eyes don't leave for one moment as I lean in and brand her with a possessing kiss.


	3. The First Phase

I drop Julia off at her house with one final goodnight kiss. Tomorrow just feels like too long to wait to see her again, even though I know there is no choice. Instead of heading home I wander towards Harry's, my heart pounding in my chest. I'm halfway there when my skin begins to tingle. I assume it is my nerves washing away, until the trembling gets more pronounced. Maybe Julia was right, and I'm sick...I turn towards home. And explode.

From the corner of my eye, I see strips of my clothing flutter to the ground; and oddly I find my eye level has changed. I look down to find paws where my feet were. With a shock I realize all the stories I have mostly ignored are true, that our tribe were descended from wolves. And apparently some things don't change.

Every rustle of leaves barrages my brain like a thunder storm, every wave caressing the sand like an explosion. If I could cover my ears with my hands I would, instead I make do with running; no direction or purpose in mind, just running; disbelief is my main thought. Disbelief and misery...why now? Now, when I am so happy, when everything is more than I could hope...

I end up running blindly back to our spot in the trees, tearing with my claws at the trunk, tears pouring down what should be my face, but is instead a muzzle.

I feel so alone, so very alone, unsure where to turn, what to do. Should I disappear right now? Will I ever be human again? Will Julia mourn my loss when I never return? What will she think of me? The thoughts swirl through my head as I paw the space where only hours ago I was so happy.

Eventually logic rings out, and behind the fear a more pressing list of questions arises. Who would know about this? Who can help? Who should I tell? I quickly eliminate Billy and Harry. They paid more attention to the legends than I did, but I still didn't think they would believe it had_ actually_ happened. I mean, we are a bunch of teens, living for right now. I flinch at the thought of Julia; there is no way I could go to her for help.

I gradually single one name out; Quil Ateara Senior. He was one of the tribe's elders, a firm believer in our history. With that thought in mind, I focus my attention on reaching his home, making an attempt to keep to the darkest parts of the trees wherever I can.

* * * * *

I sit, watching over the Ateara home where Quil Senior lives with his son. I don't have long to wait; in the gloomy, predawn hour, Quil tiptoes quietly out of his house. I take a steadying, heavy breath, and stride purposefully out of the trees toward him. At first, he looks terrified, but when he realizes that I have come to a stop a good few feet away, he looks closer. And sighs.

"Ah, so we have one, do we? I did wonder."

I continue to wait.

"I assume your first concern will be whether or not you will ever change back? You will. You just need to calm down."

I roll my eyes in response. He smiles slightly.

"You will. Ah, if only I knew who you were, it would make things that much easier."

I whine then, reminded of who I _should_ be.

"I tell you what. Wait here, back in the trees preferably, until you have settled and phased."

Phased? It has a name and everything?

"I will be back in an hour or so, hopefully you will be ready, and we can talk. I'll get some clothes for you."

I raise what should be an eyebrow, but is probably just another fur patch. Clothes. Funny how you take them for granted when you aren't some giant monster.

He emerges from the house a second time, with a pair of worn tracksuit pants. He drops them at my feet.

"One hour." Then continues on to wherever he was going.

I pick the pants up in my teeth, my head drooping and shuffle back into the trees then drop to the ground to wait.

Almost the full hour passes before I feel another tremble and the cold hits my bare skin like a soothing caress. I draw the pants on slowly, watching out for Quil Senior.

"Hello?" He surprises me by calling softly from my left. I turn in that direction, see him at the same time he sees me.

"Ah, Joshua Uley. I must admit, I suspected you least of all."

I feel too tired by all of it to even think hard about why.

"That doesn't matter now, though, does it? Come inside, have something to eat while we talk."

I follow as he leads me into his home. He leads me through a small lounge into his kitchen, tosses me a packet of biscuits.

"Feel free to eat them all." He smiles slightly, as though at some private joke. However, I take him at his word and throw three down in quick succession.

"So," he says, seating himself across from me. "When did this start?"

I swallow quickly. "Tonight."

He nods in understanding. "Where to start...this is so much harder, you see. Normally there is more than one, a pack to be precise, all with the ability to help each other out. Well, you know the stories, right?"

I hesitate before nodding slowly. He smiles again. "Young ones these days. Well, now you know that what you can probably remember at least is true, our tribe is descended from wolves, although not in the literal sense of course. Normally, each generation has a few wolves, to protect us from the cold ones, but as we haven't had any near here for some time, it seems the need is not as pressing as it once was."

He looks at me, a trace of excitement flickering in his eyes.

"I was one myself, once."

I am so surprised; I can barely keep from gaping.

"You can stop, if you wish to, once you have control. I did, for my wife." His gaze shifts to a picture on the wall. "Yes, I did."

I wait as he continues to stare.

"Anyway, where was I? Oh, did something upset you?"

I shake my head, confused as to where this was leading.

"Hmm. Those of us, in my time, who became wolves, were upset or angry the first time we phased...did anything happen?"

I choked on the biscuit I was absently chewing on. "Yes." I finally managed. "I asked Julia to marry me. I was _happy_."

"Hmm. Extreme happiness. I suppose that would serve the same purpose." He looked thoughtful "Yes, I'm sure that would be enough to trigger it."

I can feel the trembling in my arms as his ramblings begin to irritate me.

"Easy, Joshua." He says absently. "I like my kitchen just the way it is." The trembling subsides, overridden by surprise.

"Now, most importantly, you are the protector for La Push."

"Protector?" Images of me as a police officer run through my head.

"Not in the way of a lawman, only when it comes to things _outside_ of human rules. The supernatural, I suppose you would say." He looks into my eyes earnestly. "You have to protect people from things most of them don't even know exist."

I can almost feel the weight pushing down on my shoulders.

"You won't age."

I glare at him, pointedly. Another laugh.

"As long as you continue phasing, at least, you will remain exactly as you are now, unchanging for ever. Your senses will be heightened..."

I nodded. I'd noticed that already.

"...your body temperature will be considerably higher than normal."

Julia. She'd realized. She'd thought I had a fever..."what about if I visit the doctor?"

"You'll never need to. Anything that doesn't kill you will heal at an inhuman speed. You will be stronger than the average man, but it is your teeth that are your best weapon, at least when it comes to the cold ones. It is the only known weapon there is against them. For a while, every time you get angry, or upset, possibly even happy, you will phase. Until you learn how to control it."

"First thing then; control it." He nods at me.

"I think that's it...oh. One more thing, how could I forget." He smiled up at the picture of his wife again. "When you find the perfect mate, you will be drawn to her, irresistibly. There will be no-one else for you except her."

I nod. "Julia."

Strangely, he frowns at me. "Maybe."

I glare. "_Maybe_?"

"Well, you haven't seen her since this first phase, have you? You won't know until you do."

"I don't need to _see_ her. She is the one for me." I shove my chair back roughly. "Thank you for your help, and the biscuits." I glance down at the empty packaging. "I'll be off now, I promised her I would meet her this morning." As I stalk out of his house I could swear I heard Quil Senior mumble; "I sure hope it's her."

I slam the door with more force than I should.


	4. Starting A Trend

I phase again as I stomp down the front path, though now the risks are much higher; the sun is up and people are emerging from their homes. I disappear into the trees to calm myself down.

I refuse to acknowledge Quil's nonsense about Julia possibly not being the one for me. Interfering old fool. Of course she is. And I'm going to remind myself of that point as soon as I can calm down. And at least _seem _human. In the mean time, I go over ways to explain to her what's happened.

'Hey, Jules, sorry to bother you, I jut thought you'd like to know I've changed. Last night. To a huge monster.'

Definitely not.

'Hey, Julia, you know all those Quileute legends? They're real. I'm a wolf.'

Nah-ah.

'Hey, babe. Want to pat my fur?'

Nope. There is no way I can tell her without sounding like a moron at the least, or a nut. I feel my temper ebbing away, and the bizarre tremble of my skin. Finally, human again. Butt naked, but human none the less.

I run home, surprised at the time it takes me to get there; merely seconds. Looks like I have other things to think about as well, like hiding my new found abilities.

I pull on the first pair of pants and shirt I find, and duck straight back out the door, careful to avoid people as much as possible for fear of even the slightest irritation. I manage to keep my self at a walk, though even traveling that way I am faster than most people outright sprinting. And amazingly agile, never missing a beat, despite the differences in the ground. Also, again to my surprise, completely silently. I'm used to the heavy thud of my footfalls. I am not the most delicate walker, and being as big as I am, I make an awful lot of noise. Not anymore.

I grin to myself, an idea coming to mind.

When I arrive at Julia's, I sneak quietly around the side of her house, to her bedroom window, which I know she leaves unlocked, to visit me sometimes. I pull it up as quietly as I can; almost ripping it out of the wall with my new strength.

I peek in quickly to see if the noise has woken her, but her face remains peaceful, her hair spread over her pillow, her chest rising and falling with her slow breathing. I watch her sleep for a moment before I leap lightly into her room, not making the slightest sound as I hit her floor. I smile as I stand over her bed; her left hand rests on the covers, the ring I placed there last night shining in the gleam of the early morning light.

"Jules." I lean down and whisper in her ear.

"Mmm." She rolls over, pulling her blanket higher.

"Julia..."

She swats weakly at the air in her sleep.

I grin again and lean in to kiss the back of her neck.

"Mmm...do it again Josh." Nice to see even in her sleep it's me she thinks of. I oblige her.

"Mmm...huh!?" She bolts up once she realizes they are not imagined kisses she is feeling.

"Good morning sunshine."

"Josh! What..." she rubs her eyes, looking gorgeously disheveled. "What are you _doing_ here?"

"Visiting my beautiful fiancée for a good morning kiss, of course."

She smiles groggily, tilting her face for me. I lean in, pressing my lips to hers in delight.

"You still feel too warm. You really should see a doctor."

I almost tell her. Almost. It seems so easy, just say 'there's nothing wrong with me, I just change into a giant wolf now', but I can't. The words refuse to come. Instead I lie.

"I saw one this morning, they said I just run higher than the average person." Well, I consider it only half a lie, Quil Senior did say that, he's just not a doctor.

"You managed to see a doctor already? Wow, I didn't think they were available that early."

I ignore this, shrugging.

"Ok, out while I change."

I raise an eyebrow at her. "C'mon, we're going to be _married_, you're going to have to get used to dressing in front of me."

She glares at me, although the smile she wears undermines her. "I'll do it when we _are_ married Joshua Uley."

"It's not like we haven't..."

"Stop right there. Some things can be left unsaid. That's beside the point anyway. I've never let you see me fully naked. You'll just have to wait."

I sweep a bow, backing from her room. "Yes, ma'am." She laughs as she clicks her door closed.

I don't know what Quil was talking about. I feel exactly about Julia as I did yesterday. Utterly in love with her.

She steps out of her room moments later, dressed casually in jeans and shirt. "Where to today, husband to be?"

"How about we tell your parents first?"

She shrugs. "As long as you have something wonderful planned for afterwards."

I nod solemnly. "Absolutely."

She giggles again. "Ok, time to face the music then." She grabs my hand and pulls me into the kitchen, putting the kettle on.

"Morning coffee will soften the blow."

* * * * *

Things go surprisingly smoothly with Julia's parents, even easier with my father. It appeared all the time we'd spent together had our parents desperately hoping that we would marry and save them the embarrassment of co-habitating like some people do nowadays. I had to wait each time until we had left my house before I could roll my eyes.

"What old fashioned nonsense. I mean, seriously, it's not the fifties."

"Well, we should just be glad we weren't telling anyone we were getting our own house, then." She giggles.

"Where to Miss?" I hold open the door to my car. She was full of giggles today.

"How about we tell Harry and Billy?"

"As you wish."

I hold her hand for the short drive to Harry's where we are sure to find both of them. Which we did, just arriving back from an extraordinarily early and short fishing expedition.

"God, do you two do nothing else?" I jibe.

Billy stares pointedly at Julia's hand. "Sure, sure, but someone is going to have to supply your wedding feast. You finally did it, then?"

Julia holds out her hand for closer scrutiny. "He sure did." She turns to Harry. "Where's Sue?"

Sue and Harry had been together for just about as long as Julia and I. "When are you asking her?"

"Pssh. Thanks for starting all this Joshua." He glares in my direction. "As soon as Sue catches sight of that ring, I'll be following you down the aisle."

"Ha. I've already been suckered in." We all stare open mouthed at Billy, who is grinning broadly. "This weekend my house."

Harry laughs first. "Man, anyone would think we were all grown up or something. I shudder at the thought. Sue's inside, anyway. Probably still asleep. Lazy bones."

Julia flies through the door, we all hear her calling out her news. "Sue! Sue, guess what?"

Billy, Harry and I remain outside musing over our futures. And fish.


	5. What Is This, Spring Fever?

Harry and I stand as best men for Billy the following weekend. Within weeks we are off to Vegas for Harry and Sues wedding and finally Julia and I have our turn. I stand at our tree waiting; her parents, my father and select other friends sit on blankets. She emerges from the trees, such an overwhelming vision, my eyes mist over, and my skin begins to tremble. Fortunately I have adjusted rapidly to my new state and I am well able to steady my emotions and my thrumming.

Amongst our guests, Old Quil nods at me, acknowledging my challenge, reminding me of my duty.

Amongst other things.

A few days after our first discussion he arrived at my home, shocking my father, to discuss other things with me that I hadn't hung around to find out about the first time. Like the fact that it was a lucky thing I had said nothing to Julia, because apparently I wasn't allowed to. And another veiled warning about how I may be marrying too soon, or the wrong girl. This of course led to another explosion and another ruined pair of pants. I was seriously annoyed by this time. However we had spoken a few times since then and once I had made it very clear there was no one for me other than her, we got along quite well. He retold me all the legends of our tribe, and this time I listened. I felt even closer to Harry and Billy after finding out their families were part of our pack as well. It was like confirmation that these guys, who have always seemed like brothers to me, in some ways truly were.

But right now, I was focusing on other far more important things, like the vision walking towards me, smiling and crying, ready to become my wife. And the butterflies letting loose in my belly. Her warm hand slipping gently into my even warmer one.

The minister mumbles something or other, we say our 'I do's', and I dip her for a passionate kiss to the cheers of our friends and the polite clapping of our families.

Harry and Billy are true to their word, providing us with a fish feast of epic proportions, before the final goodnights and a short trip to our new home.

At the door, I scoop a protesting and laughing Julia into my arms easily as though lifting a bag of feathers, and carry her over the threshold, taking extra care to kiss her just at the moment we enter.

One kiss quickly leads to another, which leads to a race down our short hallway removing anything we can on the way; and a giggling mass of limbs diving onto our bed. Which, in turn, leads to a very long and enjoyable night as Mr. and Mrs. Uley.

* * * * *

"Finally! You two emerge from your nest! What has it been, three weeks?" The punch I throw at Harry has more force than I had intended; sends him staggering sideways. He stares at me in surprise as he rubs his arm.

"Gee, seems the honeymoon is giving you unforeseen benefits, hey?"

Billy snickers.

"You two can't talk. At least Julia and I have the decency to leave our private time at home instead of inflicting it on society."

"Sure, sure. It's only people who are missing out who believe it's inappropriate though."

Even I can't help but laugh at that.  
"True enough. What's happening with you guys?"

"Nothing much. Planning a fishing trip for this Saturday. Wanna come?" Harry answers.

"Why not?"

Billy chuckles again. "Are you sure you can go that long without getting any?"

"I can if you can, smart ass."

Billy breathed out a theatrical sigh. "_My_ missus has been vomiting for a week. I doubt it will magically disappear by Saturday."

Harry and I share an understanding look.

"A whole week, huh?" He smiles.

"You know what _that_ means." I smile also.

Billy stares at us blankly as we proceed to double over with laughter.

"Congratulations _Dad_." I manage to blurt out.

"Huh?" Then realization dawns. "_Ooh._ Oh. I think I better head home."

"Do you think Saturday might be cancelled?" I ask Harry.

"He'll probably need it by then." We both crack up again.

* * * * *

"Jules! Hey Jules! You'll never believe it!" I wander through the lounge and the kitchen, surprised I don't find her in either.

"Julia?"

My sensitive ears pick up the faintest sigh from behind our house.

"Jules?" I murmur as I follow the sound.

I find her sitting just outside of the back door, clutching something tightly in her hand.

"Honey?"

She sniffs in response.

"Are you okay?"

Now, instead of answering she thrusts her hand towards me, releasing whatever it is she is holding. A white stick of some sort. I flip it over in my hand. When I realize what the two lines mean, I break into hysterics. Julia looks at me as though I am utterly insane.

"Funny is it?"

"Oh...oh..." It takes me some time to settle myself. "At least they can grow up together."

"_What_ are you going on about?"

"And I'd better check in with Harry." I start laughing again. Yep, she'll be shipping me to the loony bin, judging from that look.

"We're not the only ones expecting a little bundle, love." I whisper as I wrap my arms around her shoulders.


	6. Just When You Are Thankful

**A/N So for those of you wondering...yes I have taken some liberties with the childrens ages, to fit the story line. There will be things that don't quite fit in with exactly as they are in the book, or even quite the same as I have displayed them in 'Another Turn Of Fates Wheel', for story purposes. Still, I hope you enjoy my opinion of what may have happened to make Joshua leave (Although you'll already know why if you've read my other story, this is just to follow his story a little bit more closely). (:**

Within days Harry confirms his own impending fatherhood and the three of us, after clapping each other on the back, proud of our own prowess, finally knuckle down to the reality of it all.

"Wow, huh?" I frown. "Dads. Us. No more fishing trips."

"No more parties." Harry adds.

"No more walking around naked." Billy tosses in.

I can't hold back my snort at that comment. "_That's_ a relief. I'd hate to come round and visit and see that sight, I'd have to poke out my eyes."

"Urgh." Harry agrees.

"How about this weekend?" We stare at Billy.

"I certainly don't want to see you this weekend, thanks." I shudder.

"You moron, how about fishing and a party this weekend?"

"Oh." Harry looks very relieved. I feel exactly the same. "Sounds like a plan. I'll ask Sue."

"Yeah, okay, I'll speak to Jules; she might want to get out too."

"I'm not even going to bother asking, I know what the answer will be." Billy mimes still more vomiting and Harry and I laugh.

"Yet still you'd leave her alone." I snicker.

Billy looks slightly discomfited. "Sarah did tell me I should enjoy myself, you know, while I still can, kind of thing. I'm sure if I keep it early, and bring back some dinner, she'll be ok."

I can't help but laugh outright at Billy's hopefulness. "I don't think she'll be particularly happy about you bringing home dinner, if she can't stop being sick."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Guess I'll have to cook my own fish while we're out, though I won't be able to show off its enormous size."

"Psh, no-one wants to see anything you have, Billy, especially considering I doubt enormous is the right word." Harry jokes. "C'mon, let's get a move on."

I watch the two of them wandering away trading insults, feeling slightly isolated by my secret. A secret that separates me but at the same time gives me unrivalled freedom. I turn towards the woods, drawing off my shirt as I go. I have grown more accustomed to phasing now; find I enjoy the trembling sensation before phasing. I am running before my paws even hit the ground, one part of me relieved to be enjoying this, the other wishing I had someone I could share it with, annoyed at the rules that bind me.

* * * * *

"Hey, Jules!" I call as I enter the house again, sniffing the air appreciatively. Biscuits.

"In here, Joshua!" I continue to follow my nose into the kitchen where Julia is pulling trays of choc chip biscuits from the oven.

"Are you cooking for an army?" I ask as I pinch one.

"I can't believe you haven't burnt yourself yet. Of course it's not for an army, the way you go, we'll be out of food in about five minutes. I figure if I make more of these, you'll leave the steaks alone!"

I slide around behind her, kissing the top of her head. "Thanks, shorty."

"Hey, just because you rival King Kong in the height department, that certainly doesn't make me _short_."

I just laugh, pinching two more biscuits off the tray. "Anyways, do you mind if I go fishing with the guys on Saturday? Then we can all go out on Saturday night. Well, everyone but Sarah, anyway."

"Oh, is she still sick, poor thing?"

"Yeah, not everyone is as lucky as you. You actually manage to seem even _healthier_, if that is possible." My hand slides around to her still flat stomach, marveling that there is a life in there. She covers my hand with her own, sighing contentedly.

"I am lucky, aren't I?" Her head falls back against my chest, and I wrap my other arm around her body.

"Not half as lucky as I am, though." I press a kiss to the side of her neck. After a moment more like this, she gently disentangles herself to transfer the biscuits onto a tray.

"I don't mind if you want to go fishing, just make sure you bring me back something to cook for dinner, preferably enough to actually fill that black hole you call a stomach." She grins at me as she puts the trays in the sink. "And Saturday night...I think I'll keep Sarah company. Hold back her hair; discuss baby names, that kind of thing."

I laugh again. "I sure hope she appreciates it."

* * * * *

"I still can't believe the size of that monster." Billy grumbles as we wander back towards my house, holding our day's catches. Mine is almost the same height as Billy himself.

"Ah, you're just jealous."

"Yeah." He huffs. "Extremely."

Harry snickers. "You wouldn't have the strength to pull him in. I can't believe Joshua did. Have you started some kind of new workout or something, coupled with steroids?"

"Oh, ha ha. You two just need to stop fishing like children, grow a pair and become men." I smirk. "Like me."

"Oh! The epitome of manliness, hey?" Harry laughs. Nearing our house I spot our girls first, sitting out the front.

"Julia." Her name rolls off my tongue like a blessing, perfect.

"Josh." Her eyes widen at the size of the fish I hold. "Do you think you could make that last a week?"

I smile. "Well, I don't know. Maybe a couple of days." She rolls her eyes at me.

"Throw it in the bath with some ice, would you? It's not going to fit in the freezer; I'm going to have to chop it up first."

I nod, turning towards the door, only to find my way blocked by a tiny dark head stumbling past.

"Why did you have to bring it here?" Sarah continues down the hall towards the toilet, her hand over her mouth.

"I better make sure she's ok." Julia leaps up to follow lightly behind her. Sue watches them go, concerned.

"I'm wondering if I should stay now, too. Help Jules keep Sarah company."

Harry strolls over to her chair, leaning down to kiss her, his catch falling between them.

"Gross!" Sue pushes at the fish, laughing.

"You know I couldn't go without you, love." He leans forward again to a renewed round of squeals.

"Ok, ok! I give in! I'll come!"

Harry, Billy and I throw our fish into the tub, cover them with ice, then drag out a couple more kitchen chairs to sit with our wives a while.

"Where are you going tonight?" Julia asks. I look to Billy to answer, as he is the one who usually finds the parties for us, somehow he seems to know absolutely everyone.

"The Makah rez. A couple of friends over there are having a get together." Julia nods. I slip my arms around her shoulder thankful again for her, and our baby.


	7. An Unexpected Hero

I can hear the music well before the car pulls up outside the house, a song I don't recognize, but one I think I might enjoy listening to later. Harry and Sue tumble out of the car, laughing in delight at life and each other. Billy and I follow at a slower, calmer pace, muted by the lack of our loves, our wives. The front door explodes open, spewing forward a group of obviously already drunk and very rowdy people. I wonder briefly what made me think that tonight would be a worthwhile adventure; alcohol doesn't have the same effect on me since I began phasing, and without Julia...I take a deep breath and steel myself, determined not to ruin this night for anyone else with my morose attitude. Billy leads the way into the house, packed wall to wall with people, and through the crowd to one of our hosts, who I think says his name is Dave, but honestly, with the noise, he could have said anything. I make my way slowly to the drinks, grabbing a soda and leaning against the wall to survey the room.

It helps to be a full head and shoulder over everyone. I notice many of the women gazing at me admiringly, so I make a specific point not to look their way and encourage them. Sue and Harry have made their way quickly to the nearest couch to make out, causing me to smile and wonder why they didn't just stay at home.

The noise batters at my ears, far too loud for my sensitive hearing, so after a while I amble out the door again and take deep breaths of the clear, cool air, gazing up at the full moon and laughing at the irony.

The sounds of laughter and celebration still hit me clearly, but are much less potent with the change in atmosphere; it's much easier to discern individual voices. Billy bragging about the size of the fish I caught today, attributing it to himself, making me laugh again. Harry bragging also, only his topic is Sue falling pregnant so soon after their wedding. The smile remains on my face at the predictable way they behave, and the wonderful friends they are.

I close my eyes, leaning against the outside of the house; take a moment to wonder to myself about _my_ baby. Would I have a son or a daughter? Would they have my nose, Julia's eyes? Would they be like me? That is a more serious point I had tried to avoid thinking about as much as possible, the chance that he or she may grow up to become a wolf like I do. I push the thought away, concentrate again on the idea of a _child_. I can't wrap my head around the reality of it. A living, breathing person is growing in Julia, created by us, _needing _us.

A soft cry breaks through my thoughts, so soft I am certain no-one would have heard it but me, despite the fact that it came from inside the house.

Another cry, this time muffled, has me pushing away from the wall and striding toward the door. I begin to run with the third muted sound, certain that it was nothing normal I was hearing.

Pushing through the crowd, I make my way to an almost deserted hallway, and a locked bedroom door. If I had any decency, I might have knocked, instead I twist the handle, snapping it off, and pushing the door open. All I see is a struggling pair of legs under another body that was obviously attempting things entirely unwelcome.

With one step I cross the room ripping the man off the fighting girl underneath, and throw him against the far wall. He crumples to the floor, blood dripping from a cut on his forehead. Checking to make sure I haven't actually killed him, I return to the bed, and the body huddled under the blankets.

"Are you alright."

"Yes." A small voice answers. "Thank you."

"I hope I didn't interrupt anything... consensual."

A sour laugh. "Definitely not."

"I'm Joshua, by the way, Billy's friend."

"Sarah."

"Are you coming out from there, Sarah?"

"Soon. Do you think you could...?"

"Leave the room?"

"Please."

I chuckle softly. "Sure." I make an attempt to close the door to give her some privacy - it sits awkwardly in the frame.

I'm still smiling at her shyness as I push my way back through the crowd to the drinks, grabbing a second soda, and watching the hallway, waiting for her to emerge.

When she does - shaken, clothes mussed - I realize I shouldn't have waited, should never have even come here tonight. But what is done can not be undone, even by a supernatural being such as myself; instead my jaw drops open, my vision tunnels, my hearing dulls away to nothing, my universe redefines itself. All I see is the girl - Sarah - her hair, her face, her eyes. Her huge, still frightened eyes, swimming with unshed tears. Her legs hurriedly pushing her toward the door. Without even knowing what it is I'm doing I cross the room to intercept her, sure of nothing other than the fact that she can't leave and that I am in love with her.


	8. Now I Know I Am A Monster

I catch her arm just as she is about to step outside.

"Sarah." I speak her name like the lifeline it is. So beautiful, I can't believe I'd never noticed what a stunning name it is before. Her face turns towards mine, and my breath catches in my throat at her perfection. The slight tilt to the end of her nose, her cheekbones slanting under her black eyes. Her feathery eyebrows, her hair dragged into a hurried pony tail.

"Yes."

"Joshua." I choke out. "Joshua Uley."

"Oh!" She says, so softly, tenderly, my heart skips a beat. "My savior." Her bow mouth stretches into a warm smile.

"Uh...yeah." I swear, my brain has ceased all function.

"Thank you again for your help."

"What was he doing to you?" Red lights flashed behind my eyes as I saw the moment in the room in an entirely different way, disgusted in myself for not ensuring that moron's life was over, instead of safe. I make a plan to remedy that action.

"Oh, Simon." Her nose wrinkled again, distracting me momentarily. "He _was_ my boyfriend. He was too drunk to remember we were _over_."

Maybe just break all his bones then, seeing as she still seemed to have a little bit of a soft spot for him. A soft spot that made the wolf in me want to break out and tear her away from here.

"How about you? You must have a girlfriend here somewhere." She peeked around me.

And my world caved in. For a split second I had entirely forgotten about Julia, and our baby, and even now, with my memories and images flooding back into my mind, instead of the overwhelming love and passion I had for Julia this morning, I found nothing more than platonic feelings. Horror floods me. Here I am, finding the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, while the one I had promised said life to waits for me at home. Old Quil's words came back in a painful rush, his warning that she might not be right for me, that I was diving into marriage too soon.

I've never hated my heritage. Until now.

All the time I was thinking this, Sarah gazes at me curiously. "No girlfriend?" She says finally.

"No." I flinch. I know technically I am not lying, as Julia and I are not boyfriend and girlfriend, but a married couple, but I also know I'm purposely avoiding the truth for fear that Sarah will walk out of my life forever.

"Oh." Her eyes sparkle as she tries to hide her brief glance over my body. "Really?"

I nod, not daring myself to open my mouth.

"Would you walk with me?"

I nod again, relief and unhappiness warring in me.

We stroll together down the street and I listen to her chattering about everything; school, her parents, the party.

"How old are you, Sarah?"

"16. But I'll be 17 in a few weeks."

I remain silent. Julia and I are 19, and in many ways in an entirely different world to Sarah. But still, I know I love her, and still, it pains me even as I rejoice in the feeling.

"What's your favorite subject?"

"English." She smiles at me shyly. "I know it's nerdy, but I love to write."

"I don't think it's nerdy at all."

"What's yours?"

I chuckle. "I'm not in school any more, but when I was...lunch. Definitely lunch."

Her eyes sparkle with amusement. "Yeah, lunch is a biggie on my list, too."

We talk for a little while about music and bands, finding our tastes were very similar in many ways.

"I'll loan you my copy of their tape." She fairly skips ahead of me, alive with excitement.

"That would be nice." I know I should have said no, but I wanted to see her again, and she had given me the perfect opening.

She stops where she is, gazing upwards at the stars. "Aren't they beautiful?"

I can't pull my eyes from her face, the moon reflecting in her wide eyes.

"Mmm."

"I suppose we should get back." She finally announces.

I look at her in surprise, and she returns a sheepish grin. "My brother brought me along; he won't be impressed if he has to hunt me out. He'll be especially annoyed if he finds me here with someone who's twenty five."

"Nineteen." I correct her quickly, unwilling to let there be anything to stop her from wanting to see me again.

"Really? You're nineteen? You don't look like it."

"I get that a lot."

"Well, come on. Let's get going."

She grabs my hand and I follow along easily, shocked and scared and happy.


	9. Cowardice Is Not Only For Lions

**A/N I do so love the happy, happy, joy, joy feeling of reviews, so here's another chapter for you guys. I couldn't help it (: **

I pull my hand out of Sarah's right before we walk into the house, aware that Harry, Sue and Billy will be there.

"James!" Sarah calls out; bouncing into a boy who I suppose would be considered tall, if he wasn't standing near me. I glare at him for a moment, determined to find out who Sarah could be so happy to see, until she introduces me.

"Joshua Uley, this is my brother, James Call."

Her brother. That's ok then.

"Nice to meet you."

"You too, you from around here?" He stares at me, trying to figure whether or not he has seen me before.

"Nope, I come from La Push, came with Billy."

He grins at me. "Billy! You didn't happen to see that huge fish he's been bragging about all night did you?"  
"Yeah. Quite a monster that one."

His face registers shock. "Really? Wow, never would have thought it. Billy Black. Wow. Have you helped yourself to a drink?"

"Sure have."

"Well, I hope you're enjoying the party any way, catch you around sometime."

"Sure."

On my left side, Sarah bounces on the balls of her feet. "He likes you."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. When he first met Simon, he said nothing. Just glared at him. Later he told me he thought he was a loser. Turns out he was right, he'd been seeing some other girl the whole time he'd been with me."

It felt like someone hit me in the stomach with a wrecking ball. What was I still doing here? Thankfully my moment was interrupted by Harry.

"Hey, Josh, you mind if we get going? Sue's a bit worn out, and I'm absolutely certain Billy has managed to tell everyone about the fish." He waggled his eyebrows.

"No, no, that'd be fine."

"Who's this?" Harry turns his surprised gaze to Sarah.

"This is Sarah. Sarah Call."

"You're friend rescued me." She smiled.

Harry laughed. "Yeah, that's Joshua for you, Mr. Hero himself. I better drag Billy away. Nice to meet you, Sarah."

"You too."

"Well." I start hesitantly.

"Can you come by tomorrow, pick up that tape?"

I open my mouth, desperate to say no, I can't, but it's useless. All I want is to be with her.

"Sure. Where do you live?" I listen as she tells me her address, and then very carefully hug her goodbye, every cell in my body screaming for me to go further do more, run out of here with her in my arms. But I have a responsibility, so I don't. I imagine, I dream, but I walk away, not looking back once.

* * * * *

To my intense relief, Julia is well and truly asleep when I arrive home. I leave my shoes at the front door, strip off quickly and throw myself into the shower, pleading with the hot water to wash away the night's events. Instead, I step out dripping, wondering what Sarah is doing, whether she made it home safely.

Sliding into bed, I gaze down at Julia, trying to force my feelings back, desperate for more than the tender protectiveness of a brother for a sister, or a friend for a friend. Nothing. Her face is peaceful in her sleep, her dreams betraying no hint of what has happened to us. Her left hand, which I once saw proudly displaying the ring I had placed there, now rests on her belly, protective. The first time I had seen that, I had cried, my love overwhelming me. Now there was nothing. I wondered if I was still going to be able to love my child. I lay on my back for hours, confused and heartsick, finally falling to sleep just as the birds began the day.

* * * * *

Again, pathetic as I am, I am intensely relieved when I wake and notice Julia has gone out. Ambling to the kitchen I find a note on the bench in her neat script;

_Gone to check on Sarah _(my heart stutters,even though I know she means Billy's Sarah)_, get some groceries and visit the doctor. I didn't want to wake you, you looked so worn out. Will be home soon. Love you._

_Julia._

I scrunch the note up in my fist, pounding the place on the bench where it was sitting, thankfully not hard enough to leave a mark. How do I _do _this? My thoughts wander back to Quil, and I make up my mind to visit him immediately, see if there is anything I can do. The whole time some part of my brain is wondering how Sarah is what she's doing, how long it will be before I can get over to see her.

* * * * *

Quil Junior opens the door on my first knock, looking quite surprised to see me. We never spoke at school.

"Joshua?"

"Hi, Quil. Your Dad here?"

His eyes narrow slightly, and he looks at me curiously. "Yeah. I'll get him."

I stand, fidgeting in the doorway as he wanders off. "It's Josh Uley, Ro; he's come to see Dad." Quil answers a question I didn't hear, obviously from Rowena, his girl for almost as long as my little group have had ours. The significance doesn't pass me, hits me like a knife in the stomach. I'm still trying to catch my breath from the overwhelming confusion and misery when Old Quil comes to the door.

"Joshua." He says sharply. "Let's walk."

I follow along obediently, hoping for some sort of escape.

"So it happened, I guess. I can't imagine you would be here looking like that for anything else. I would have smelt the vampires."

I hang my head as I walk along beside him, ashamed.

"I did warn you." He says softly, no note of judgment in his words, just a statement of fact.

I nod.

"Is it anyone around here?" Again his voice sounds sharp, demanding. I shake my head in response. His next words are heavy with relief.

"Where is she from?"

"The Makah rez."

"Well, that's very lucky. I could say it would make it easier to stay away from her, but I know better. I imprinted too."

I sigh heavily, immediately aware of what he's telling me. There is no going back. Still, I try, hoping I'm mistaken.

"Can I...reverse it? Go back to the way things were?"

Quil stops and looks at me, and I can see the pity in his eyes before he answers. "No, Joshua. There's no going back on inprinting."

My skin begins the first uncontrolled shiver I have had in a while, and I run forward, pulling wildly at my clothing, knowing this time I have no will and the best I can do is hide.

Quil stays where we stopped, watching me trying to flee my misery, unable to help.


	10. My LIFE Is Like A Soap Opera

I run straight towards Sarah. I can't help it; her face fills my mind, her scent my nose, and I am drawn to her life force like a moth to a flame. I know it will kill me but I can't stay away. Or worse; if it doesn't kill me, it will kill Julia, because I am not such a fool to believe she will never find out. I have no excuses, only regrets, and still, I continue, unchecked, along my path.

Still in the tree line, I finally gain control of my body, and phase, dressing as quickly as my shaking hands allow. Shaking from an overabundance of nerves, as though I'm thirteen again, waiting for my first kiss.

Another knifing pain, as I recall Julia's face that day, showing every bit the same nervousness as mine. I shake my head, trying to rid myself of memories that no longer cause happiness, but a deep sense of loss.

I straighten my spine, allowing the excitement of seeing Sarah's face to wash away my recollections, and stride purposefully along the street, looking for her house.

Finally, I see it, the last one on the road, a small but extremely tidy home, with a neatly trimmed green lawn. I slow my walk as I turn into her drive, feeling the buzz of adrenaline course through my veins.

Her brother answers when I knock, bleary eyed from lack of sleep.

"Yes?"

My mouth quirks up in a smile. "You don't remember me. I'm Joshua Uley, Billy's friend. We met last night."

"Oh, that's right, the guy who helped my kid sister. Thanks for that. That guy was a jerk, if I catch sight of him..." He pounded his fist into his palm, and the animal in me roared in agreement.

"Is Sarah around?"

"Sarah?" I watched as confusion and intrigue cross his features.

"She said she'd loan me a tape."

James snorts. "She has the weirdest taste in music." He realizes quickly what he's said. "Sorry, man, no offence."

I grin amicably. "None taken."

"Uh," He rubs the back of his neck with his hand, still looking uncomfortable. "I'll just get her."

He turns inside, yelling as he walks away. "Sarah! Hey, Sarah! You got a visitor!" A woman's voice berates him from another part of the house, but I am distracted rapidly by the sight emerging from a doorway off the hall.

Sarah.

Her slim form is covered by track pants and a tee, and her hands rub roughly at her dripping hair with a towel.

"Joshua!" She slings the towel over her arm, skips down the hall toward me, her damp hair flying in all directions. "You're way earlier than I expected!"

I can't speak so I nod shyly, ducking my head to hide my blush, caused by her state of dress.

"Do you want to come in?"

I nod again, taking a quick breath, and find myself overpowered by the clean floral and fruit scent of her.

"Are you coming?" I didn't realize I had closed my eyes until she spoke again. She stares at me from across the hall. I follow her, a half smile on my face, into a room awash in white. White curtains, white walls, white wrought iron bed with a frilly white coverlet. A shelf on the wall holds an odd assortment of dolls and teddies, with a ribbon or two stuffed haphazardly between. All in all, the girliest room I had ever seen.

"What are the ribbons for?" I ask as I cross the room, seeming like I wanted a better view, although my eyesight was beyond normal.

"Oh." I noticed her face tinge with red. "My writing."

She turns her back on me again, rummaging through a small stack of cassettes.

"Aha!" She spins around, her face alight with triumph. "Here it is!"

Two strides and I cross the room to stand next to her, peering over her shoulder at the case in her hand.

"It's a great tape." She whispers, her voice sounding slightly husky.

"I'm sure it is."

I watch her cheeks stain a darker red.

"Oh! I'm going to miss my show!" I raise an eyebrow at the excited face turned up to mine. "Wanna watch it?"

"Sure."

She leads the way again into the living room, flicking the switch in the TV in the corner and collapsing on the couch with a dreamy expression. I seat myself next to her, and soon find myself sucked into soap opera land.

"Ah." She sighs as my torture finally ends. "If I ever have a son, I will definitely call him Embry."

I frown. He seemed like a rather lackluster actor to me.

"How about you? What would you name your children?" Again the shock, the reminder of where I _should_ be, _who_ I should be.

"Ah...I don't know. Look, I really better go. Thanks for the tape."

She smiles at me. An innocent, angelic smile. No idea of how much of a monster I am.

"Ok. Bring it back any time."

She follows me to the door, reaching her arms around my waist to hug me goodbye. I stiffen, steely determination the only thing stopping me from wrapping my arms around her and kissing her fiercely. Gently I untangle myself from her arms.

"See you soon, Sarah."

With inhuman effort I stroll casually down the street, feeling her eyes boring into my back the whole way. Once I turn the corner, I run for the trees, carefully bundling her cassette up in my shirt.

* * *

**A/N - Ah, what a confused mess....In case you're curious as to what music that they oddly like (at least according to her brother)...I'll let you know in a future chapter - it's an oldy of course (:**


	11. A Photo Worthy Of An Imprint

I smell Julia before I enter our home, and ready myself, unsure how to be, certain she'll see right through my lies.

"Joshua!" She walks out from the kitchen, wearing an apron covered in flour. "I've been working on that fish! It really is a monster."

No, I think to myself, I'm the monster. I plaster a smile on my face. "How's it going?"

"Great! I hope you don't mind, I invited Harry and Sue around to share. I offered Billy, but he said Sarah wouldn't be able to handle it...they're going to the doctor tomorrow, to make sure everything is ok."

The mention of the doctor reminds me of her letter. "How was your visit?"

"Great." Her smile widens. "Everything is going just perfectly. Twelve weeks and counting, past the risky stage! We should start thinking of names."

I flinch slightly; grateful Julia has turned to walk back to the kitchen and doesn't see.

"Any ideas?" I ask as I follow.

"Well, if it's a boy, my grandfather's name was Samuel, that would be nice."

I nod absently. Samuel, Sam. I feel totally spaced out.

"And if it's a girl?"

"I was thinking Sarah."

I feign a cough to hide my surprise. "Sarah?"

"Well, I know it's a little weird, with our Sarah and all, but it is such a lovely name."

"It is." I agree, thinking not about _our_ Sarah, but _my_ Sarah, more than a little disturbed and completely flattened.

"Well," Julia smiles brightly over her shoulder at me, "Just eight weeks and we'll know if it's a Sam or a Sarah."

Please, if there is a God, not a Sarah.

* * * * *

"Hey, Josh, coming fishing on Saturday?"

I stare blankly at Billy, my thoughts of Sarah interrupted.

"Huh?"

"Gee, Josh, where've you been the last few weeks?"

"Sorry, just thinking about Monday." My lying has been getting better every day. 'Where have you been', 'what are you thinking about'. Even Julia hasn't seemed to notice anything off. Yet. If I'm realistic, though, I would guarantee it was hormones and excitement in her case, not my lying abilities.

"Oh, yeah, the big reveal!" Harry laughed, leaning back on the huge piece of driftwood.

"Mmm."

"What are you hoping for?" Billy asked.

"Definitely not twin girls, you poor bastard."

Harry snickers at my comment.

"I think we'll do okay."

"Yeah." I laugh. "Until they reach fifteen, then what?"

I watch as his face drains of color. "Oh, I didn't think if that."

Harry snickers. "You can be a real ass, Josh. A funny ass, but an ass none the less."

"When are you due?"

He straightens up, clearing his throat nervously. Monday as well, actually."

"And what are you after?"

"I'm not worried about that." He says earnestly. "I'm more worried about later. All the horror stories about birth..."

I clap him on the back. "You'll be right. And Sue will be just fine."

"Yeah. Yeah." But I still see the fearful light in his eyes.

"Anyway," I return my focus to Billy; give Harry time to calm himself, "fishing Saturday did you say?" I'm fully prepared to refuse, preferring instead to find some way to fit in another visit to Sarah.

"Yeah, and then another party at the Makah rez."

I pause in my refusal. A party at the Makah rez.

"Who'll be there?" I try to sound as casual as I can, while my heart thuds an unsteady rhythm.

"I don't know, but it's at James Call's." Sarah's.

"Sure, why not? I think we're almost entirely out of the last fish I caught."

"Oh, so is that why you keep bailing out on us, you've got enough already."

I nod yes to Harry's question, hating myself again for the constant lies.

* * * * *

I drive myself to Sarah's house this time, following Billy, Harry and Sue in Harry's car. It's surprisingly quiet when we reach there; I had expected as much noise as the last one we all attended together. I stood back, allowing Billy to knock, surprised again when James answers the door, and I see behind him no more than twenty people.

"Hey, hey! Good to see you all. Come in!"

Although it is a very quiet party, I notice James is already blind drunk. I'm not sure whether that is a relief or a worry, as I obviously haven't said a word about my time with Sarah to anyone.

Turns out I am worrying about nothing, because after five minutes of staring at me James finally asks "Who are you?"

"My friend, Joshua, remember?" Billy laughs.

"Oh. Joshua. Nice to meet you." He holds out his hand unsteadily and I shake it, following the expected procedure. The sound of my name brings a different reaction, also. Sarah slips silently around the corner, watching me from the far wall.

I continue to sit for a while, watching her watch me from the corner of my eye, before I excuse myself and follow her now retreating figure into the kitchen.

She dives into my arms as I round the wall.

Honestly, not once have I crossed any boundaries so far. I have kept my physical distance as much as I am able, limiting myself to leaning my arm against hers as we watch her silly soap, or hugging her goodbye. But it has been weeks, and it seems, finally, she's had enough. Standing on tip toes she presses her lips to the highest place she can reach, my shoulder. I stiffen briefly, and her arms slide upwards, barely touching around the back of my neck.

"Please kiss me, Joshua."

I try to refuse.

"Please." She stretches up again and I hold my breath in a desperate attempt to fight my wanting and my need to give her whatever she asks for.

Her face gazes up at mine in anguish.

"You don't like me." She whispers, looking so sad, so hurt...

I crush my mouth against hers, swinging her up off the floor in order to kiss her properly. My heart balloons with relief, happiness and _rightness_, but my mind reminds me of what I have at home. I set her carefully back on her feet, my breathing heavy.

"Josh?" Her eyes are glazed with desire, drawing me in again.

"I do like you, Sarah. More than I should. I better get back."

I walk slowly back to the lounge, my whole existence unsteady, trying to focus on my wife, my baby.

Five minutes after I seat myself, Sarah returns, this time with a camera, and far more noticeable.

I watch her as she wanders over to her brother, nudging him with her toe. "I need some pics, James."

"Go ahead." He mutters, unperturbed. He looks at the group and shrugs. "Sorry, my sister loves her photos."

She snaps one of the room at large, a few of her brother. Then Harry, Sue and I on the couch.

"Hey, James, can you take some with me in?"

He holds out his hand and she tosses him her camera, seating herself next to a group of girls who seem to be not much older than she is.

She moves to Billy. "Can I get one of you and your friends?"

"Sure, sure."

He wanders over to the couch where the rest of us sit, dragging Harry and Sue up. "C'mon, be good sports for the kid."

I remain seated; quickly find my place taken by the girls from before. She throws me a disappointed look over her shoulder before facing forward and smiling.

I thought I got away with it. Apparently not.

James points the camera at me, clicking.

"Me and my rescuer, now." She sidles towards me, wrapping an arm around my waist; I feel the burn even through our clothes.

"Come on, Josh." Billy snickers. "Be nice." I slide my arm around her waist, trying not to wince as the need overpowers me again.

"Smile." James laughs, and I oblige. I do want this picture to come out nice for her.

"Thanks." She smiles at me, before crossing to her brother and scooping up her camera. "That'll do for tonight."

I stare at her back, a whine building in my throat.

I excuse myself again, and hide in the bathroom for a while, until the uncontrollable need fades slightly.


	12. Catch Phrase

"Are you excited?" Julia obviously is, and I guess I am not showing the right amount of enthusiasm.

"Definitely. Who wouldn't be, finding out what their child will be."

"Yeah." She drops her eyes back to the magazine she's reading.

I lean my head against the wall, waiting for our names to be called, still hoping desperately for a boy. I don't think I could handle another Sarah in my life.

"Joshua and Julia Uley?" Finally.

I hold out my hand to help Julia stand, and lead her into the small room.

"Excited?" The doctor asks. I nod, and he chuckles. "First time Dad?"

"Yeah."

"You've got the nerves of one." If only he knew. "Okay, let's get started."

I watched as he pulled up Julia's top, revealing her distended belly, applying some sort of lotion.

"Let's see." All was silent for a while as he had a look.

"Ready to find out?"

I nod tersely. "Oh, yes, please." Julia's voice sounds so young, like when we were children.

"It's a boy."

"Samuel." She chokes out. All I can feel is an overwhelming thankfulness.

"Congratulations, guys." He wipes the lotion off Julia's stomach before lowering her shirt again. "A healthy baby boy."

I help Julia up from the bed.

"A _boy_, Josh. We're going to have a _son_. I hope he's just like you."

I nod again, not trusting myself to speak. She squeezes my hand. "A son." She breathes again.

* * * * *

Julia's breathing comes deep and even before I sit at her dresser with paper and a pen.

_Dear Sarah,_

I start this way three times, trying to tell her what's happening, but I can't. Instead, I write;

_Dear Sarah,_

_I hope this finds you well. I'm sorry I couldn't make it over to see you today, some things came up, but I was thinking about you. I always think about you, I can't help it. There are so many things I have to tell you, and I truly have no idea where to begin, so instead, when I come over Saturday afternoon, I'll just show you. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I love you, Sarah. I do. I shouldn't._

_Anyway, I look forward to seeing you Saturday. I miss you always._

_Joshua._

I fold the paper, stuff it in an envelope and run to the post box before I change my mind. The minute I post it, I am assuaged with guilt, knowing my pregnant wife is asleep at home, and I am here, telling another woman I love her. 'What am I doing?' seems to be my catch phrase.

* * * * *

I arrive home early from work on Friday, to my good fortune; in the letter box is a pink envelope addressed to me.

I hold it carefully, like a precious vase, and head inside, dropping my bag on the kitchen table before sitting down to read.

_Dear Joshua,_

_I can't tell you happy your letter made me. I haven't been sure how you feel about me, and even the other night you seemed so remote...my chest almost exploded when I read your letter. I love you too, and whatever you have to tell me, I don't care. That's not to say I'm not interested, just that it doesn't matter, no matter what it is. I love you and miss you too, I can't wait until Saturday._

_Sarah._

_PS I haven't said anything to my brother about us, I don't think he'd be too happy, neither would my parents, so I hope you don't mind if we go for a very long walk._

I run my fingers lightly over the paper, in particular over her returned love. My heart soars and crashes at once. I sigh, and rise from the table to put the letter in the only place Julia would never look; on the top of the pantry, where she can't reach. The only thing she ever asks me to do in the house. Another painful stab rips through my stomach, and I wonder how much longer I can keep up the façade.

* * * * *

I dress quickly in the trees and walk swiftly down the road to Sarah's house. If I'm not yet ready to spill every bean, there's one I can, to her and no-one else, or at least that's what Old Quil tells me; your imprint is allowed to know _everything_.

I concentrate on keeping my breathing steady, nervous about what she'll think of me after this.

She waits outside her house, pacing back and forward, clearly agitated.

"Sarah." I call out as I come closer.

"Joshua!" She runs to close the small space between us and throws her arms around my waist.

I peel them off carefully. "How about that walk, hey?"

Her smile lights up the world, and we walk down the street, back the way I came, talking about anything and everything.

When we reach the trees, she throws herself at me again, kissing me feverishly. It takes every ounce of strength not to respond, and pull her off me once again.

"Sarah. Hold on, I want to show you something." I step back, peeling off my shirt. I see her eyes light up and I can't suppress a snicker.

"Turn around, I like these pants." Unwillingly she does, trying to peek over her shoulder. I throw my clothes to the side, drawing in a deep breath and feeling my skin shiver. "Now I don't want you to be frightened, ok? It's still me; I won't do anything to you." She giggles, and I smile, guessing at what she's thinking. "It's not like that. Just...give me a chance, ok? Turn around after you count to five."

I let the trembling take over then, and drop to the ground on all fours.

"Five!" She laughs before spinning around on the balls of her feet.

Her laughter dies away quickly, replaced by a look of horror, her hand rising to cover her mouth.

I whine slightly, desperate to make her understand.

She surprises me by lowering her hand from her mouth and staring into my eyes. "Joshua?" she whispers, and I nod, or at least a wolf variant of nodding.

She reaches out tentatively, stroking the side of my face with her small hand. I allow my head to drift to the side, my cheek filling her palm.

"Wow. I can't believe it's you." She moves her hand away to square her shoulders. "I'm not scared, though. I told you I didn't care, and I meant it."

I whine again, happy.

"Can you change back now, though? It's easier to talk to you like that."

I point my muzzle behind her.

"What?" she grins. "I don't think I quite understand what you're saying."

I snarl, and she laughs. "You'll just have to swap back to tell me now, won't you?"

I huff, but phase, ignoring the hungry look in her eyes as I pull on my pants.

"There, so now you know."

She walks towards me, and runs her hands up my chest, burning a path along my skin. "Now I know. Will you stop holding back with me?"

I take a quick step back, but she follows.

"Josh, you've been coming around for weeks. You told me you loved me. Why do you keep pulling away? I'm not an innocent, if that's what worries you."

I growl at that, the idea that she could have allowed anyone else to...

"It's complicated. Really complicated."

"I told you, I don't care."

I sigh. "Didn't you think it..._strange _that I know you for all of five seconds then I'm visiting every day?"

"Are you trying to tell me you're some kind of sicko stalker? Surely you would have tried your moves on me by now, especially with me egging you on."

I can't help but laugh, at the same time frowning at her inept sense of self preservation.

"No." I sigh again. "It's called 'imprinting'. When you find your perfect mate. An immediate connection."

"You felt that with me?" Her face turns a faint shade of pink.

"Yes. It's part of the whole 'I morph into a huge hairy monster' thing."

"Oh."

My arms move of their own volition to hold her shoulders and pull her closer. "I can't help but love you."

"Is that what you meant by you shouldn't? That you had no choice, no say?"

"Something like that. There's a part of this I'm sure you'll love."

"Mmm?"

"I can't refuse you anything."

Her mouth turns up at the edges. "Anything?"

I nod; my throat tight.

"Then kiss me Joshua. And this time, don't stop."


	13. Too Much And Not Enough

**A/N Once again, just for good measure, I am fully aware of the actual ages of Sam, Leah etc, I just adjusted things to suit my story line. I hope you're still enjoying this, I am (: Let me know how you think things should go from here, I have my own opinions, but outside influences certainly won't go astray...(:**

"Kiss me again, Josh."

I oblige, always with that underlying sense of guilt.

Three months and still, I sneak out here whenever I can; while at home I still try to pretend everything is okay. I feel so confused. Every time I kiss Sarah, I feel the guilt of cheating on Julia, but every time I am with Julia I feel like I am cheating on Sarah...such a mess. A never ending, out of control, mess.

I trail the tips of my fingers over Sarah's face, committing every inch to my memory.

"Mmm. Your skin is so warm."

I smile. "Wolf gene, remember?

She presses her lips softly to mine. "I like that. I never have to worry about a coat when I'm with you."

She snuggles in closer to me as I lean back against the tree trunk. Every time I have visited her since revealing my true self we have come here, to that same spot, to spend time away from the rest of the world.

I am fully aware of the irony of having another special place in the trees. Damn trees.

"What are you reading at the moment?" I ask, hoping for something lighter for a while.

"Great Expectations. I'm really enjoying it."

"Huh. Another pretentious volume of English literature, I suppose."

"Josh." She nips playfully at me arm. "You should try it sometime. I could read it to you."

"Psh."

"I brought it with me." She admits sheepishly. "I really wanted to share it with you."

Again, I sigh. "Go ahead, then."

Grinning, she draws out a beaten copy of the novel, along with two cans of soda, and two sandwiches, one small and one...well, wolf sized.

I finish mine in one bite and start on the soda.

"Uh-hum." Sarah pulls her face into the most uptight expression she can. This, of course, requires me to improve upon it, pressing kisses to her cheeks and mouth until she relents, giggling.

"Let me read!" I lean back again, closing my eyes, allowing her gentle voice to wash over me.

"Chapter One. My father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip..." The afternoon passed as peacefully as it could, chapters of the book punctuated by kisses.

* * * * *

Julia snores softly in the bedroom when I enter our house later in the day. Afternoon naps have become a common occurrence in her late pregnancy. I tip toe into our room, watch her as she sleeps, with the same fraternal feelings as the first time I met Sarah. I stare at the swell of her belly under the covers wishing for some sort of excitement to come; instead I feel a strong sense of unease. Would I have left if it wasn't for Sam? If I be honest, the answer is probably. I wouldn't do this to Sarah or Julia, no matter that neither of them know anything about the other. They both deserve better than me.

I turn, walking slowly back to the kitchen. I pull the biggest packet of chips we have from the cupboard and scarf them down at the table, feeling better alone than I ever can with either of them, knowing every time that I am letting someone else down. Alone, I let no one down but myself.

A frantic knock at the door shocks me out of my mope.

"Josh! Jules! Quick!"

Billy. I leap up from the table, walk to the front door in four steps.

"What's up?" I ask, as I swing the door open. His face wears an expression of sheer panic.

"It's Sarah!" My heart stops as I take a second to understand; he means _his _Sarah.

"The babies! They're coming early! She's not due for 5 weeks!"

"Well, what are you doing here?"

"She was asking for Jules. And I need you, man." I nod. "I'll get Julia." I stride down the hallway to our room.

"Jules? Julia? Sarah's having her babies, she asked for you."

A mumbled groan and her eyes open blearily. "Sarah?"

"Yes, Jules, Sarah." Her eyes quickly focus. "Okay, I'm coming. Can you get the car ready?"

I nod, already turning away. "Joshua."

"Yes?"

She hesitates for a second. "Nothing. We can talk about it later."

"I'll be out the front in a minute."

* * * * *

After hours of trying to calm a terrified Billy, Julia waddles, exhausted, out of the delivery room. "Two healthy, squawking girls, Billy. You can go see them."

He pushes past me in his rush.

"How are you feeling, Jules?"

"Tired."

"Are you ready to go home, yet?"

She smiles weakly at me.

"You didn't hear, then? Sue's in the other room. Her baby's on its way, too."

I chuckle softly. "How's Sam going?"

"Oh, he definitely doesn't want to be a part of this excitement." She rubs her hand absently over her belly. "Not even a flicker. I'd better go see how Sue's doing."  
I watch her walk away, saddened by our conversation. We're like strangers now.

* * * * *

Julia is almost dead on her feet after Sue finally gives birth to her and Harry's daughter. I half carry her to our car. I would actually carry her entirely, if she wasn't stubbornly insisting she could walk.

"Rachael, Rebecca and Leah. Nice names." Julia slurs. "I'm almost disappointed Sam isn't a girl, too. All four of them."

"Well, maybe he can marry one of them." I laugh lightly.

"Yeah...maybe Leah. No sister fighting for his affection." She smiles before her eyes drop closed and she falls asleep. When we reach home, I pull her carefully out of the car, take her straight to our room and lay her under the covers, tucking her in gently. I crawl in next to her, thinking about the day's events, knowing as Sam's due date approaches I can't put off telling Sarah much longer.

* * * * *

Sarah greets me at the door of her house, tears pouring down her cheeks.

"Sarah, love, what's wrong?" I wrap my arms around her, pulling her close, all thoughts of finally coming clean flying right out of my head. Her hands claw at my shirt.

"James! He's run off! My parents are terrified."

"Hush, sweet, hush. He's fine, I'm sure. He is 19, after all."

"He was drunk; he had a fight with my Dad. He ran towards the beach...what if he drowned?"

I stroke her hair gently. "Love, it's ok. He's probably calming down somewhere, a friends' house most likely."

"Can you look for him, Josh? Please? You'd have a better chance of finding him."

"Of course I can, love. Do you have something of his? It would help." I smile at her. "Like a blood hound, you know?"

"Mmm-hmm."

She grabs a tattered shirt from the couch. I take a quick sniff, recoiling at the acrid scent.

"Ok, love, I'll be back soon. Don't worry."

I stride off down the street, sniffing slightly at the air. Although my nose isn't as powerful as when I'm in wolf form, it is enough for something like this.

Sarah is right; his scent leads me straight to the ocean. Sniffing again, I turn left, towards a large cliff face. Leaping lightly down over the rocks, I find a series of caves, and walking on a bit further a very drunk and shivering James, lodged in one, snoring.

Rolling my eyes, I leap in, grab him and toss him over my shoulder, before bounding out and back up the rocks.

It's a testament to how drunk he is that he doesn't stop snoring once, all the way back to his house.

Sarah stands out the front, her unbrushed hair blowing around her face, her hands twisted together in her terror.

"Josh! You found him! Is he all right?"

I snicker, inappropriate as it is. "Give him time to sleep it off, he'll be fine. Where's his room?"

She leads me into her house, further down the corridor than her own room is, to a dark one on the right. I lay him on the bed, stripping him of his wet clothes, and Sarah covers him with the blankets, before she grabs my hand and pulls me back to her bedroom.

She shuts the door behind us, sliding the lock into place.

"Thank you, Joshua. I don't know what we would have done without you."

"You know I would do anything for you, Sarah."

She nods.

"He will be fine, you know."

"I know. I want to say thanks."

I quickly grasp what she means. "Sarah, you don't have to prove to me you're grateful."

"I want to do this. I've been trying to give you hints for a while." She peels her singlet over her head, revealing a lacy white bra.

"Sarah, please."

"I want to, Josh. Please. Do this for me."

I would like to say it was entirely my imprinting response that made me give in, but I would be lying. For the months that I have known her, I have wanted her, in every way. Imprinting is just part of the reason, and partly an excuse.

I make love to her, on her white frilly bed, with her childhood memento's watching over us, and her brother passed out in another room. I run my hands over every inch of her smooth skin, kiss her everywhere, listen to her moan my name in her release.

And afterwards hate myself more than I ever thought was possible.


	14. Running Away

Julia is still asleep when I come home, again I am lucky. I'm sure even without my supernatural sense of smell, there is a lingering feminine fragrance on my skin and clothes. I throw my washing straight in the machine with the basket load that is already waiting and wander into the shower.

I scrub myself hard with the soap, lingering over the marks where Sarah scratched and bit me. I trace a particularly large gash on my abdomen with my hand. My head falls forward onto the wall under the shower head, aching with longing and misery. My time with Sarah has done nothing more than make me want her ten times as much as I already did, so in consequence my guilt multiplies as well. A soft moan comes from the bedroom, so I step out quickly, drape a towel around my midriff and check on Julia.

Her face is screwed up in concern, her nose wrinkled.

"No." She moans.

I lean over her, stroking her forehead to try and help settle her.

"No. Joshua. Don't. Don't do it."

My breathing catches, wondering what she's dreaming about.

"Don't leave me."

My heart aches for her. You don't have to love someone passionately for your heart to break over their pain. Especially now. I can see everything I have done take its toll on someone who shouldn't have to suffer any of it.

"I'm here." I whisper in her ear.

"Stay."

"I'm here." I murmur again. Her breathing slows, her face relaxes. And I make up my mind not to see Sarah again. Whatever it costs me.

* * * * *

Another pink envelope, bursting with love and questions. Questions I can't answer. It's all too much.

* * * * *

I sit in the trees, waiting for her to come to me again. I know I shouldn't, I told myself I wouldn't do this anymore, but I can't stay away. Every moment without her is a burning I can't quench. I am determined I will stay for only a moment, just to see her face, hear her voice.

She runs through the trees to me, an angel in a white dress.

The ground becomes our bed and the stars are out when I finally return home to an empty house and a note.

_Gone to see Sarah._

The agony and irony.

* * * * *

I lie awake, listening to Julia's steady breathing change into something less peaceful. I worry it's her nightmare again, the one that is all my fault, but her moans sound different.

"Ooh."

"It's ok, Jules."

"Mmm...Ooooh."

"Shh, Jules. It's ok."

She sits bolt upright, shrieking. "Josh! It's time!"

I shoot up as well. "Are you sure?"

She groans, shooting me a pitying look. "Well, unless I have reverted to childhood and wet the bed, yes, I'm absolutely certain."

For once there is nothing in my mind except Julia and our baby. I race across the room, grabbing her bag and flying out the back door to the car, belatedly realizing not only do I have no car keys, but no Julia either. I stop for a second to calm myself, and then run back inside. I lift Julia into my arms, forgetting I have never showed her the full extent of my strength, and not looking into her shocked eyes I stride out of the house and deposit her carefully on the back seat, the keys from my side table in my hand.

"Josh, how..."

"Don't ask."

I stare determinedly ahead. "How far apart."

She groans again. "I'd guess....FAR TOO FUCKING CLOSE!"

I smile slightly, and put my foot down harder on the accelerator.

* * * * *

Damn my sensitive hearing. I pace up and down the waiting room, Harry and Billy eyeing me off and laughing occasionally. I want to reach out and slap them both - neither of them had the misfortune of hearing every scream, every word the doctors were saying. When one said he was huge, and risked becoming stuck, I nearly walked right in there to tell them I would do it myself.

But no, I pace. Trying to hold up the façade again.

One final scream that seems so loud, I look to see if Billy or Harry notice. No, they still look at me, amused and assured, their own babies at home in their cribs with their mothers nearby.

A shrill cry reaches my ears and I cannot hide the relief on my face.

"Joshua Uley?" A short, blond nurse bustles out, looking around at us.

"Yes?" I bite out.

"You have a son. Would you like to see him?"

"Yes, please."

I follow her into an overly bright room that hurts my eyes. I stand near the door, adjusting.

In the middle of the room, a very tired but happy Julia lies under a pile of blankets.

"Come and meet your son, Josh."

I step forward, slowly, carefully, unsure.

In her arms, Julia holds a pale blue blanket. I lean over, and she folds back the blankets edge to reveal something to rival imprinting. My son. A perfect cherub's face, with a tuft of dark hair, and huge dark eyes gazing up at me mildly.

Tears well in my eyes.

"Sam." I whisper, over wrought with emotion. My hands reach out and Julia willing places the small bundle in my arms.

I can feel his warmth through the material. He keeps his gaze steadily on my face, which surprises me; we had been told new babies can't see, but I feel he can. He knows who I am. Maybe even what I've done.

The past months flood over me as I stand there holding my precious gift, and my decision is made for me.

I can't do this anymore. Not to Julia, not to Sarah, certainly not to this innocent child. I have to leave, see none of them ever again.

I press my lips, damp with my tears, against my tiny son's forehead.

"I love you." I whisper in his small ear.

My heart shatters into a thousand pieces as I hand him back to Julia.

"Goodbye love." I say to her one final time, kissing her lips softly, meeting the shocked understanding in her eyes. She has always known me so well.

"Josh..." she doesn't say anymore, just drops her head to Sam's. I'm glad. I don't want to hurt her more with the details.

I turn my back, walking away from my life, out the doors, back to the waiting room.

"Harry, Billy, look after them for me."

Harry half rises from his seat, looking surprised, Billy stares at me uncomprehending.

I run when I reach the doors, tears still running down my face. I phase as soon as I hit the tree line, running endlessly, as fast and far as I can.


	15. What I Didn't Know Didn't Hurt

**Sarah's POV**

Leaning weakly over the toilet bowl, I wipe the back of my hand over my mouth. I am so over being sick, really. I've had it.

My jerk of a brother bangs on the door, trying to get in. Like he hasn't noticed the past five days I've pretty much moved all my stuff into here.

"Sarah! Can you come out now, I really need to go!"

I sigh in defeat, and drag myself up from the nice cool floor. My head swims wildly.

"Sarah!"

"I'm coming!" At least I _was_. Shouting brings on the gag reflex again, and I drop to my knees, retching.

"Oh man." I faintly hear James. "She's at it again!"

"She's still sick?" My Mom's concerned voice soothes my frazzled mind.

"Mom?"

I reach up to unlock the door.

Mom slides in the gap.

"Honey, are you ok?"

I shake my head weakly.

"It's been a good few days now, hasn't it?"

I nod, leaning back over the toilet, feeling the now very familiar twist of my stomach muscles before I heave.

She remains silent for a bit, so after I finish with round five million, I look back at her. Her eyes look worried, but knowing.

"Have you...." She stopped, choosing her words again. "That boy that was around, were you two...serious?"

Who would think a person could be drained and blush?

She nods. "When were your, ah, when were you due, honey?"

Oh, no.

I count back quickly.

"What's the date?"

"The fourth."

I count again.

Oh, man. I am _so_ too young for this.

"Three weeks ago." I murmur. To her credit, my Mom shows no surprise.

"Stay here, sweetie, I'm going to the chemist. We'll find out for sure."

I don't need a test to tell me what I already know, but I nod anyway, too stunned to do anything else.

I am still leaning over bringing up the lunch I had when I was three when she arrives home.

This time, only her hand slides through the door, clutching a paper bag.

I pull out the box, staring at it in amazement. I can _not_ believe I am actually doing this.

Five minutes later and I am still staring, this time at two glaringly obvious blue lines.

"Honey?"

"Two."

"Oh."

We both knew it, but still, it's a lot to think about.

"Can you send James in?"

Well, if this was happening, Joshua had to know too.

* * * * *

My hand shakes as I lift it to knock on the door. I won't believe James, I won't. He has to be wrong. Joshua wouldn't do that to me, I know it. He loves me. I still believe it, even though I have had no reply to the letter I sent, asking him to say it, to deny that there is anyone else. I hear the soft cry of a baby inside. My stomach turns and I wrap one arm around myself, hoping the nausea will hold off for a while.

Billy answers, looking at me in surprise.

"Sarah, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Ah, come in."

He steps back and I follow him into his lounge.

"What's up?"

"I thought you could help me find Joshua."

He seems somewhat uncomfortable. "I'd love to, but I haven't seen him. Not since Sam was born."

"I tried to write, but he never answered." I could feel myself beginning to babble, I still thought it seemed better than the alternative. "My stupid brother was trying to bug me, said he was married and having a baby, but that couldn't be true. I know it can't."

Billy raises an eyebrow. "Sure it's true. Josh and Julia were together, man, from word go. They married last year, had Sam only a few weeks ago."

Only a few weeks ago. My knees feel weak. "No...no..." I shake my head, trying to dislodge the words.

"Sarah, are you alright?"

A soft arm slips around my waist as the tears begin. Billy watches me in shock.

"Come on, Sarah. Come and sit down." Through the haze I see Billy's wife.

"I'm Sarah, too." She smiles. "Come and have a cup of tea with Sue and me."

Another woman sits at the kitchen table, nursing a small baby in her arms.

"Sarah. What a surprise!"

"A bigger one than you would think, Sue." The other Sarah helps me into a chair, and crosses to the cupboard to pull out a cup.

"How do you have your tea?"

"White. Two sugars. Please."

Sue shifts her glance from Sarah back to me. "What are you going on about now?"

"Joshua."

Sue's mouth purses. "Hmmph."

"Sarah here was looking for him. She seemed quite surprised to hear about Julia."

"I'm sure."

Sue's dark eyes bored into mine.

"How do you know Joshua?"

"I...he..."

I feel like such a child around these two, even though I know they are hardly any older than me.

"Were you two...an item?" Sue asked delicately. Sarah placed a boiling cup of tea in front of me, before seating herself across the table.

"Yes." I look into my lap, trying to force the flow of tears to a halt.

Sue's hand rests against my back.

"It's ok. None of us knew him the way we thought we did."

Sarah snorts. "Yeah, much. Who would ever have thought he would cheat on _Julia_? Those two were always inseparable."

"I know. It probably had something to do with the baby. Too much pressure."

They continued on like this for some time, forgetting I was there. I thought about everything I heard, but none of it sounded like the Joshua I knew and loved. It sounded like a stranger. The Joshua I knew was dedicated and loving, kind, helpful. The Joshua I knew wouldn't be with me while he was married either.

I couldn't be mad at him, though, not really. Hurt, definitely, utterly shattered, and frightened, because the one thing I knew for sure now was that I would be raising our baby on my own, but not angry. I should be. But...I remembered all the times he pushed me away, and feeling like I was missing something important, how long it took before he would even touch me at all, even though he swore he loved me. I wish he could be here now, explain it all to me properly, assure me it wasn't all lies. I didn't think so, but...I got up, ready to leave.

"Oh! Sarah, I'm so sorry, we got carried away." Sue looked at me apologetically. "Will you be alright?"

"Yeah, sure."

"We're here if you ever need us, you know."

"Thanks, I really do appreciate that." Sue stood with me, and Sarah stretched her hand across the table to me.

"You're one of us now, in a round about way." They both smile at me.

* * * * *

Alone in my room in the dark I pull out my writing set for the final time, hurt and miserable, to write Joshua my last letter. Desperate to hurt him the same way he hurt me I demand he never write to me again, and tell him about our baby, _my_ baby.

The following morning I slip the tear stained pink envelope into the mail box, determined to let go and be happy, for our child's sake.

But I cry again two weeks later when both my letters are returned.


	16. Julia

**Julia's POV**

I cling a little tighter to Sam as I watch Joshua's retreating back. I can't ask why he's leaving, and I don't want to know, not really. I only know he has been separate from me for months, like all the love he had for me has been transferred to someone else, and if so...he's right. It's best to walk away.

A few unruly tears escape my self control as I press my face into Sam's tiny head. I am so thankful for what he has left me with, our son, our memories, but I can't pretend I don't love him. I always will. He was always the only one for me; I knew that even while I went after Harry, just to make him jealous, when we were kids. I felt so proud when he called him out, so secure, so different to now.

"Samuel Joshua Uley." I whisper against the dark, feathery hair on my sons head. "I hope you're just like your father when you grow up." I know him, so well, and I know to leave means he felt he couldn't do any more right by me, by us. He would never walk away for anything less.

I run my finger along our son's tiny features, paying particular attention to the ones that are Josh's. The nose, the ears.

"Thank you." I whisper again, more to myself. "For leaving part of yourself with me."

* * * * *

"Look, Sue, I know you guys are trying to help, really. All I want right now though is some time for me, to get used to be being on my own. Please."

I listen halfheartedly as she argues on the other end of the line.

"I'm fine, Sue. I promise."

More white noise.

"Yes, I promise I will call if I need anything. Bye."

I sigh as I hang the phone up. I know they mean well, truly, but I can't handle the Joshua bashing any more. I've tried to tell them it's ok, he's really a good man, the same as ever, but they are determined to save me, from what now, I don't know. The worst has passed; I have walked the broken glass carpet of his departure, and...well; now things are getting good. There'd always be moments, and they are still sharp; after all, Sam's only a few weeks old, but I'm no longer unable to raise myself from my bed, overwhelmed by grief. This is the right way, I'm certain of it, so I'm fine.

Then the mail. One after another, two pale pink envelopes, small, feminine writing on the front. I have no doubt this is the reason he left, and I find some amount of comfort in knowing whoever she is, he's left her too. If he hadn't, she wouldn't be writing. At the same time, my thoughts are confirmed; he knew what he did was so far over the line; he gave it all up, for my sake, hers, Sam's, who knows. But he did it, and I'm glad.

I hold onto the letters for a while, almost opening them more than once, curious to see who she was, what she had to say, whether she knew about me. It's a long time before I realize one envelope is stained with what I can only assume is tears, and I feel some stirring of pity for this other woman. I write return to sender, and leave them in the post box, hopeful that this is the last I will hear of her.

**A/N - This chapter may make Julia seem like she's...weak? Definitely not. It takes a lot of stregnth to bounce back, to not follow the address on the back of those letters, to raise a son alone...**

**For any single parents out there...well done.**


	17. Return

**Joshua's POV**

I've never felt agony like this, being miles away from everything that means anything to me, trying to force myself to _keep_ staying away. I ran until I couldn't run any further, and even then I considered a plane, or a boat. Instead I stayed where I felt at home; Washington, Vermont.

Sarah once mentioned a desire to run her own store, in addition to her dreams of writing fame, so in token to her, I take a job stacking shelves, working as hard as I can to learn everything, in the hope I can eventually open that store she dreamed of. I have an aptitude for this, it seems. I find myself rising through the ranks quickly, my height, strength and focus finding many uses in retail life. I think about Sarah, Sam and Julia, every minute of every day. Slowly the guilt fades to something more manageable, but the abject misery remains the same, the knowledge of everything I've lost for myself. I hope that Julia has moved on, desperately wish Sam is happy and thriving. And Sarah...it frightens me to think she has probably found someone new and forgotten all about me. Still, her face is the first thing I see in the morning and the last at night. The few letters she wrote me are now worn with over reading; they hold a prime place in the drawer beside my bed.

Many women here try to get to know me better, a few I have even taken to dinner, but always it's the same thing, I barely see them, and they walk out, disgusted, some time during the meal when they find I don't even have the energy to pretend I return any level of their interest.

My phasing slowly ebbs away. I don't see the need to run any more, I've run myself ragged, and I don't want to stay young, anyway. I remember Old Quil, at his kitchen table, telling me he stopped phasing for his imprint. I like to think of my ceasing in the same way, that I will age as Sarah does, even though I will never be with her again. It's the only thing that brings me any sense of real peace, the knowledge that when she dies, I will be dead or almost there myself.

After two years of this, I can't hold off and I book a flight home. I promise myself, though, that I will stay out of sight, just see how everything is going, and make sure everyone is happy.

I didn't take into account the difficulty in my excitement at seeing my beloved faces again.

* * * * *

Tears fall gently to the ground as I watch my Sam toddle around my old front yard. Julia smiles and applauds every movement, every find in the grass, and I do to, softly, hidden from their eyes. His chubby legs pump wildly, and he stumbles. I shift, wanting desperately to be able to run out there and catch him, instead I watch as Julia swings him up, never stopping laughing and smiling. He doesn't cry once and my heart swells with pride at my brave boy.

I am surprised when Sue and Sarah with Rebecca, Rachael and Leah wander out, and Julia places Sam back on the grass. In Sarah's arms is a deep blue bundle, which she passes to Julia, and my smile widens, they have a son, too, then. Leah trots straight over to Sam, and swings her little fist at him, knocking him to the ground. He sits there, gazing up at her in interest, before pulling her down next to him. My smile widens, even as the tears flow faster.

Rebecca and Rachael's small heads lean towards each other, entirely separate from the other two.

I breathe out a heavy sigh, numbed by an overload of emotion; I think it's this numbness that allows Old Quil to sneak up on me.

"Joshua." I jump a full foot in the air in shock, and then gape at him before shooting my gaze back at Julia; thankfully no one heard a sound.

"What are you doing here?" I hiss.

He smiles at me benignly. "I could ask the same of you."

I scowl; annoyed at being interrupted during almost the only time I have ever had with my son.

"I'm making sure they are ok."

"They are. I keep an eye on them for you." My astonishment must have shown on my face, because he chuckles softly.

"Did you think I would do anything else, Josh? Who else knows what really happened? No one."

"Wow. What can I say? Thank you."

"How have you been?" He peers at me closely, squinting in the dim light. "You look older." His voice rises in pitch, amazed.

"I stopped phasing."

"So I see. Are you sure?"

"As sure as I am that Sarah will age. I don't want to keep going, remain a wolf, knowing one day she will gone, and I will still live on. Even if I never see her again."

He nods sadly. "Yes. It's been hard for me since my wife died."

"I can imagine."

"Billy and Harry would have known about all this, you know."

"Yeah, because they believed in it more than I did."

"Did you ever ask them _why_?"

"No. I just thought it was because they were a pair of nerds." I smile at all the times I teased them about it. Little did I know what would happen to _me _one day.

"They used to watch their grandfather's phase and head out. Billy's granddad was our Alpha, and one of my best friends. Your grandfather was one of us, too."

I can't hide my disbelief.

"What? I never saw, never knew..."

"Your grandfather was our Beta, our second in charge. That's why I was so surprised that it was you who changed, and not Billy."

"I wish it was." My gaze drifts out to the toddler, my son, digging in the dirt.

"I know."

My fist slams into the closest tree, and it shudders, dropping a cascade of leaves to the ground. "I hate this."

He ignores my outburst, staring calmly through the trees at my family. Well, what was my family. "Have you seen Sarah?"

My breath comes out in a painful whistle. "No."

"Are you planning on it?"

"I think so. I don't know."

"She's a good girl, your Sarah."

She is. Too good for me. "Mmm."

"She hasn't found anyone else, if that's what you're worried about seeing."

My eyes focus desperately on his face, relief flooding me. Then reality creeps back in. "She will sometime."

"Maybe."

"Well, I know she won't waste her time waiting for me. She's young, and I never bothered saying goodbye."

"Imprints don't usually go just the one way."

I growl at him. "Stop. I can't go back. I don't want to imagine that I ever could."

Old Quil continues staring out.

"Never give up hope."

I turn on my heel, walking away from him yet again.


	18. Pieces Of Sarah

**Sarah's POV**

I clutched my mother's hand desperately as my son was brought screaming into the world. My son; such odd words.

My father barely spoke to me after he found out I was pregnant; he thought I had brought shame on my family, an unmarried mother at seventeen. I can't see it that way, as hurt as I have remained; to me Embry is living breathing proof that I loved Joshua Uley.

I write Embry Uley carefully on his original birth certificate, knowing I will change it to Call soon but wanting some tangible proof that Joshua is my son's father.

The words on the paper seem surreal, though not as surreal as the angel in the nursery. I visit him fifty times a day, disbelieving that he could be mine.

I believe he's mine once we are home.

Some nights Mom helps me, allows me to get some sleep, but most nights I am woken by Embry countless times. I am tired, frustrated, anxious...I want to give up. But then, when he is five weeks and three days he smiles, and it is so much like Joshua, I can't help but smile back, and get a little teary eyed.

I visit Sue and Billy's Sarah not long after that. Despite my vow to Joshua in my final letter that I was going to tell Sue straight away, I never did. We spoke on the phone regularly, but I always kept my secret.

The look on both their faces is priceless when Sue opens her door to Embry and I. She finally manages to find words after five minutes or so (something I have come to find a remarkable feat), and then asks me the inevitable question. "Is he Joshua's?"

Sarah rolls her eyes, stroking Embry's smooth forehead. "Of course he is, Sue. He looks so much like Sam when he was born." Her finger drifts down his cheek, back over his ears. Sue leans over him, studying him carefully.

"You're right. He really does, doesn't he?"

"Almost a spitting image."

Sam. His other son. Somehow, I wish Sam and Embry could meet, but...I am not that much of a dreamer. The wife and the mistress? Not likely.

"Wouldn't it be great if they could grow up together...?" I stare at Sue astounded. It was almost like she read my mind.

"Yeah." Sarah snorts. "We should have a tea party."

I laugh along with them, weakly. It never fails to amaze me the position I have found myself in.

* * * * *

"Knock, knock!"

I raise my head from the mess of boxes I have buried myself in. "Come in, Sarah!"

Her eyebrows rise as she pushes at the door, which barely moves a few inches, barraged as it is by my attempt at packing.

"Wow. Could this room get any messier?" she asks. I laugh, slowly rising off my very numb knees.

"Here, have a seat." I pull up an already very full tea chest. She waddles across the room and leans as delicately as she can against it.

"I definitely will break this if I sit on it." She rubs her hand over her swollen belly. "Sometimes I can't believe it's just one in here, he weighs twice as much as the twins did, I'm sure!"

"Have you decided on a name yet?"

"We're still wavering between Jacob and Andrew. I like Jacob, but Billy keeps arguing...I'm sure I will wear him down before he arrives, though."

I laugh. "Ah, the benefits of choosing the name all by myself."

"Mmm."

It's sad how mentioning Joshua is so disturbing for Sarah and Sue, trying to be friends with both Julia and I.

"Anyway," she breezes past the uncomfortable moment. "How _is_ Embry?"

"Just starting to walk." I grin. "Little horror. He's driving Mom mad. I think, as much as she loves us, she'll be relieved when we have our own place."

"And you're sure you want to come to La Push?"

"Definitely. There are so many things he should learn about..." I almost say the wolf legends, but that would seem a little weird. "His father's ancestors. He won't here, and I can tell him everything about my own."

"Hmm. Where is he now?"

"Mum's taken him down to the beach for a bit. He loves the ocean, he's a real little water baby."

"Do you need any help in here?"

"Definitely not from you, you stay right there." I throw a couple of Embry's toys across the room into an empty box marked 'E'.

"I'm not dead, you know."

"Yes, I do know. How long do you think you can get away with doing nothing, though? Might as well enjoy it."

She laughs, and we spend a nice afternoon chatting as I toss things into odd boxes.

* * * * *

The final touch. I slide my battered and worn copy of 'Great Expectations' onto the bottom level of my bookshelf, after slipping Embry's original birth certificate, my letters from Josh and my photo's into it. I briefly allow myself my grief, and then lock it away, to be ignored, like the contents of what was once my favorite novel, like my dreams of writing fame.

My son cries, interrupting my melancholic mood, drawing the sun from behind the clouds of my mood.

* * * * *

Five months, but finally we are settled and I feel at home. It is so nice to have Sue and Sarah moments away, to have the freedom of my own space, a room I don't share with Embry out of necessity. To feel human again. Each time I leave the house I look around at the landscape wondering where Joshua played as a child, where his first home was. It was difficult at first, but eventually pleasant, imagining him just like Embry, toddling across the sand with his parents, trying to take home huge piles of twigs from the surrounding forest. We have a collection big enough for a roaring fire of sticks Embry just couldn't leave behind. Remarkably I haven't seen Sam or Julia once; a feat I thought impossible for somewhere like La Push; at home everyone knew everybody, private business and all. I lost a lot of friends when I fell pregnant whose parents disapproved. I don't feel the lack.

This morning Sarah collected Embry early for a 'play date' with her girls and Jacob, giving me a small moment of time for myself, the one thing I truly did lose by moving here. My family comes to visit, buy they don't stay, and I know I could not go a whole night without having my son nearby, so free time is sacrificed.

But today...silence. And a smidgen of sunshine.

I finish my days cleaning as quickly as I can so as not to lose the sunshine while it still lingers, being quite haphazard with the removal of cleaning products, reveling in the freedom of knowing I can leave the bottles of spray on the kitchen bench and no little hands will follow after me, thinking of them as fun new toys. I push open the back door, sighing in delight as the warmth hits my face and bare skin. I stretch my arms wide, capturing all the rays, smiling happily, before sinking to the ground to do nothing more than _relax._ I lay my head against the perpetually damp grass, pleased even with that, and gaze in wonder up at the clouds, creating images in them. Over here a rattle (these things are always on the brain), over there a boat. And there...a wolf. A monster, with black, smiling eyes. I stare at that one for ages, until I feel like its eyes are boring into me. The thought sends goose bumps along my arms, and I sit upright, searching for some sign of someone watching, notice the flicker of a small patch of trees.

And laugh at my own stupidity. Someone watching indeed.


	19. Coming Home

**Joshua's POV**

I sit outside Sarah's home for hours, until finally her parents and brother emerge. It surprises me that Sarah isn't with them, so when they drive away I sidle up to her bedroom window and peer inside. Completely empty. No bed, no shelf, no tapes. No Sarah. My heart stutters unevenly in fear. I breathe deeply; not even a glimmer of her scent. I breathe again, terrified of what this could mean, and still; nothing.

My Sarah has disappeared.

I turn and run, back towards La Push, my strides lengthening to more than any normal human's ever could. I am so close to phasing, I can feel it; only my desire to not outlive my love by years keeps me from exploding in a cascade of torn clothing.

I have no inkling of what I am running towards, or away from, just as I did the first time I ever phased, I run on instinct alone.

Gradually my thoughts centre on Old Quil, the only person who may be able to give me answers. I remain hopeful he forgives my outburst of a few hours prior, and helps me. Because my thoughts are so focused in that direction, I am blindsided when I smell her. I veer immediately to my left, the source of the floral and fruity smell that is entirely unique to Sarah.

A tiny house comes into view, sitting solitary, the rear of the yard crowded by trees. I halt as close as I dare to the edge, staring wide eyed at the building. I am gifted very soon after by her appearance at the door. I take an unthinking step forwards, in the same moment taking in the changes since last I saw her. Her body; more rounded, womanly, it takes my breath away; although it always did. Her face exactly as I remember it; beautiful and sweet, the upturned nose, the bow mouth. Her hair is shorter, skimming over her shoulders. She spreads her arms, smiling widely, glorying in the light and warmth. I imagine closing the space between us, pulling her into my embrace, kissing her passionately, telling her how much I missed her.

Instead, I take one more step forward before I check myself; she could almost see me now, if only she looked this way.

She drops lightly to the ground, stretches out, worrying me; I know the grass here never quite manages to fully dry, it would be dreadful if she caught a cold. She lies that way for some time, and I drink my fill of her quiet form, her bare arms, her lean legs.

'Look at me.' My heart begs. 'See me, come to me.'

She bolts upright and I pull back quickly, shifting the leaves in the trees around me. Her eyes bore into me, as she tries to find the cause of the movement. I hold my breath.

Then she tilts her head back to the sun, laughing and shaking her head, before pulling herself up and disappearing back into the house. Her house. I wonder what drew her here to La Push. Hope and despair flows within me as I imagine it was me.

I sit outside all night hoping for another glimpse of her, but I see nothing. Lights are switched on and off, and I overrule my aching need to sneak in. An hour before dawn I see the foolishness in what I am doing, and resolutely turn towards the place I parked my rental car, aware that my time here has passed.

* * * * *

The trip back to Vermont is starkly different to the one I made to Washington. The thrill of imagining what I might see, and the painful reality...I shake my head roughly and the poor woman next to me, who has spent much of the flight attempting to make conversation, leans away, frowning.

So simple life must be for her, sitting there, deciding she likes what she sees, so she might as well give it a try. She has no idea who I am, even _what_ I am, but that doesn't stop her. She's interested, and determined to show that while she has the chance. Even though I have behaved mostly like an absolute jack ass, ignoring her entirely, still she has persisted.

A few minutes later I see her again, out of the corner of my eye, turning herself slightly towards me, her lips parting in expectation.

In a foolish and wasted gesture I decide I may as well humor her.

"Hello."

Her mouth closes again quickly. I'm impressed; most people lose control of their reactions when surprised, end up gaping like goldfish.

"I'm Joshua." I continue.

"Sarah."

Her voice slams into me, and idiot that I am, _I_ become the goldfish, at the same time finally looking at her properly. Auburn waves cascade down over her shoulders, blue eyes gaze at me in concern.

"Uh," I realize she is waiting for me to say something, but I am blindsided. Just my luck I find myself seated by yet another Sarah. "Are you going home?"

"Visiting family."

"Oh."

"How about you?"

I stare blankly at her.

"Are you going home?" she persists.

"No." I answer automatically. Home is wherever _my_ Sarah is. Vermont is...a hideout.

"So we're both off on holidays then?" she smiles, glancing up at me from lowered lashes.

"Of a sort."

She leans in closer to me; her scent is overwhelming and strange; musky.

"Maybe we can do something together while we're vacationing." A glitter of brighter blue, her meaning is unmistakable.

"I....probably not." I should never have encouraged her, because now, she is not dissuaded, not one bit.

"Well, you could say we've begun our vacations now. And we _are_ together..." Her eyes drift lower and I feel extraordinarily exposed. Not that anything about her, other than her name, has any effect on me. At all.

However, when her eyes return to mine she smiles broadly. "I think I need the restroom." She rises gracefully, too gracefully for her to have actually managed to trip into my lap, although trip she does.

"Oops, sorry. How clumsy." I place my hands purposefully on the arm rests, palms down, allowing only minimal contact. She winks at me, actually _winks_, before she picks herself up and slowly makes her way into the aisle and towards the toilets, leaving the door unlocked so the sign states that the toilet is unoccupied.

I immediately ring for a stewardess.

"May I help you sir?" She asks mildly. Her tone quickly changes when she looks at me properly. "With anything at all?" How I would love to give this problem to someone else. It seems I can have any woman today; except the one I want.

"Yes, please. I think I am disturbing the passenger next to me. Is there any way I can move seats?"

"Of course. Follow me."

My head skims the roofline when I stand, widening the eyes of the stewardess. I sigh softly to myself, walking behind her as she leads me to a row of empty seats at the rear of the plane.

"Is this alright, sir? Is there anything else you require?" The double meaning of her words is not lost on me. I make a point to set the record straight.

"Absolutely nothing." Emphasis on the _nothing_. "This is perfect, thanks."

Her face falls minutely, but she is nothing if not professional. "Enjoy your flight, sir." She walks away, looking wistfully over her shoulder.

And I turn my face to the window, dreaming of the green trees and smells of home.

* * * * *

Lying sullenly in my bed, I berate myself again for thinking I should take a few extra days off work when I get home to dwell. Yes, because dwelling is precisely what I need right now. Dwelling on the perfection that is Sarah. Perfect and unattainable. And dwelling on Sam, growing up, and me, missing every minute of that.

Ripping things apart; boxes, anything; that's what I really need to be doing. Distractions.

Phasing is almost a possibility. I slowly draw Sarah's letters out of my bedside drawer, along with a photo of Sam Old Quil was kind enough to give me. I fold them over my heart, pressing roughly down on them, wishing by holding the pieces of my family tightly I might somehow be able to bring them to me.

I am proud of myself when three days later I return to work, in control. In most aspects.

* * * * *

Finally, after another four years of hard work and miserly saving, I am ready to open my shop. There is, of course, only one possible name for it; Sarah's. In another token to my beloved imprint I open a book store, my prized possession a first edition of 'Great Expectations'. It's ironic, really, as I am not much of a reader myself, but significant and meaningful, a purpose.

Over the next few years I make considerable amounts of money selling rare and old books, but not one day goes by that I don't think of my loves; my son, and my Sarah. Not one day that I decide to go and visit again, go to sleep, promising myself that I would book a flight in the morning.

'Great Expectations' remains behind glass, never to be sold; a testament to my memories.


	20. All Things Unexpected

**Sarah's POV**

Things quiet down between Sarah, Sue and I for a couple of years, as life for us all becomes hectic, and friendship boundaries are drawn to their limits. I understand, I don't judge; I know how hard it was for them, befriending me, and when things came to a head, word slipped out that Joshua's 'other woman' was in town, they had a choice to make. It would always be their first and longest friend, I knew that. Still, I was lonely.

Embry grew to be a quiet boy, not shy exactly, just...withdrawn. Even as a toddler he sensed his difference. It broke my heart.

There are benefits to being a single mother, though; Embry and I are as thick as thieves; he tells me most things. Like today.

"Mom, what's a bastard?"

Embry's huge dark eyes look at me curiously. I feel my breathing constrict, I drop to my knees on the floor beside him and I pull him in close, unsure whether to answer with the truth or a lie.

"Who said that, honey?"

"A couple of the kids at school." My poor boy, he's just five. How could I have inflicted this on him? I keep my face buried in his small neck, trying to hold back my tears as I consider my response.

Finally I pull my head away, holding him gently by the shoulders. He still looks at me in wonderment, confused as to why I have suddenly become so upset. I decide on truth, or at least a safe version of truth.

"Because your father isn't here."

"Father?" He keeps looking at me, his little nose crinkling, not understanding.

"You know how the other boys and girls have their Dad's pick them up sometimes?"

Dawning sparkles in the dark depths. "Oh, they call me that because I only have a Mommy."

"Yes."

"Ok." He skips off out the back door. I stare after him, my thoughts an unhappy swirl. Right now he is so young it doesn't bother him, one day...one day he'll care. I reach into the highest cupboard for the wine and a glass. Sometimes things are just too hard to bear alone.

* * * * *

The good thing about La Push, it is small and safe. On weekends I can let Embry wander off and do his own thing. However, I am still surprised one day when he brings home a friend.

"Mom!" I turn from the dishes I am doing, wondering why his voice sounds so excited. "I found a friend!"

"Oh?" I call back. Embry enters the kitchen, trailed by another shy boy.

"Mom, this is Jacob." Jacob. Sarah's boy.

"Hello Jacob." I am amazed that my voice manages to sound so steady. It's been so long since Embry and Jacob have played, they wouldn't even remember.

"Hello Mrs. Call."

Mrs. Call. I smile at him, surprised at the discomfit I feel at being called Mrs. Call. I don't know if it's because I'm not anyone's 'Mrs.', or because I'm not Joshua's?

The boys run off to Embry's room; I listen to them laughing for a bit. Poor Embry, and poor Joshua too, neither of them knowing the other.

Later, after I tuck Embry in, and he regales me with everything he and Jacob got up to during their time together, I pull the glass and bottle back out of the cupboard and sit alone in the lounge, listening to the tape Joshua borrowed, so long ago now, crying.

* * * * *

I manage to gain a position at La Push's only shop. I am so excited; at least one of my dreams is close, even if the shop doesn't actually belong to me. The older man who owns it is kind enough to let me work only whilst Embry is at school, so I get the best of both worlds.

I am cleaning shelves on another typically rainy day when Sue bursts through the door.

"Sarah!"

I jolt up in surprise; it has been so long now since we have spoken. I smile in delight, but it quickly fades at the horrified expression on her face.

"Oh my god..." She stammers, shaking.

"What?" Her fearful expression breaks through my confusion.

"It's Sarah and Billy..."

I grab my coat, and run out the door with her, making sure to lock it and turn the sign to closed before we go.

* * * * *

I lean my head against the hard plastic hospital chair, trying to come to terms with the events of the last few hours.

Billy is in Emergency still, attached to all sorts of various tubes and machines. The doctors say he will never walk again.

But Sarah...she didn't make it at all.

My tired brain flashes back over the same things it has all day.

The tourist, unsure of the roads, and unused to the wet weather, that ran them off the road.

Sarah dead.

Rebecca, Rachael and Jacob.

How can a day go from something as simple as waking up, having breakfast, taking Embry to school and going to work, to this? A frenzied rush with Sue to the hospital, only to find out Sarah was in a critical condition, verging on death, and Billy, while stable, had broken his spine.

Fortunately, their children were at school as well, and so far knew nothing...but Sue was on her way to get _all_ of our kids right now, and bring them here. I was waiting, keeping an ear out, just in case Billy woke up or took a turn for the worse.

I try to rest as much as I can. A long night lay ahead of us.

* * * * *

Jacob, Embry and Sue's younger son Seth fell asleep easily; too young to fully understand the implications of the day's events. Rebecca and Rachael, considerably older, had spent much of the night fighting and crying, in variations of shock and grief, after seeing their father, who had gained consciousness briefly, and hearing of the loss of their mother.

Harry remained at the hospital; Billy's distress on learning of his wife's death was unfathomable. Sue had brought the children to my house to sleep, in the hopes that other kids and an unfamiliar environment would be helpful.

We both sat emptying the last of the wine bottle at the kitchen table.

"I can't believe she's gone." Sue mumbled into her glass, tears spilling down her cheeks.

I nod, uncomfortable with her grief, feeling like I can't express my own, like I have no right, because I hadn't known Sarah anywhere near as well as Sue did.

"And tomorrow, I'll have to tell Julia. She was as close to her as I was."

I sighed. I'd been thinking that all day. Why hadn't Sue gone to Julia, who knew them better, why to me? Was it because my name was Sarah too?"

"I know you probably think it's odd I came here." My eyes widened in surprise at her perception. "I just...Julia and I knew Sarah for too long. If it was the two of us...no one would be able to hold it together."

I understood what she left out, that my shorter friendship helped me be less affected by the events. I poured the last drops of wine into her almost empty glass.

* * * * *

My first meeting with Julia Uley was totally unexpected. In the months following the accident, nearly all the women of La Push took it in turns to help Billy out with the kids. I was seated in front of his house, listening to his kids, Embry and Rowena Ateara's son Quil playing around the house, and chatting when a slim and stunning woman made her way along the street, a son about eight walking beside her.

"Julia." Rowena rose from her chair to greet her, but I stayed frozen. The other woman's eyes locked onto mine briefly, but she surprised me by acting as though she had no idea who I was.

"Ro. How's Billy today?"

"Same."

Julia nodded, and ducked her head to say a quiet word to her son. Sam. Embry's brother. I could see the unmistakable signs in his face of Joshua, a nose like Embry's. Remorse flooded me, rapidly followed by my longing for the man who left us all behind.

Rowena threw a glance between us before walking around the side of her house to collect her son, Sam followed the same way.

"Sarah." Julia quietly took the seat where Rowena had been.

"Hi."

The other woman's beautiful face tilted back, catching the few rays of sun.

"I don't blame you." She said it so quietly, I thought for a moment I was imagining she had spoken. I didn't speak.

"He didn't say a word about me, did he?"

I shook my head in mute discomfit.

She sighed softly. "So many years now. I did hate you for a time."

Her piercing gaze bored into mine.

"But, I know Joshua. Even now, I'm sure he is the same. He wouldn't have said a word, not to either of us. I just don't know _why_, why he did it in the first place."

I had nothing to say, nothing I _could_ say, so I sat silently.

"Does he know about Embry?"

"No." I choke out.

"I thought not."

We sit side by side for a while. She gazes away into the distance.

"Quil pointed you out to me, ages ago. Old Quil, I mean. Silly me, I wanted to know who it was he had left me over."

I hung my head.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't know about me, and Joshua was a charming man." A smile lit her face even more. "So charming, and such a dork."

I caught the faint whisper of _my dork_ under her breath.

"I'm just," a slight frown crossed her face. "Confused. It wasn't him at all, to do that. It was like...he went away one night, and came back...entirely different. But only in one particular way."

I remembered his explanation to me one time about imprinting. That when he saw me his whole world shifted, everything changed. That he had no control, and now I was the most important thing...he was bound to me for his lifetime.

I couldn't say that though, of course.

"He just seemed...to stop loving me, overnight. He did well at trying to hide it. No one else knew."

Another long silence.

"How did you come up with the name Embry?" I grasped at the change of subject.

"He was an actor in a soap I used to love. I always used to say, if I ever had a son, I would name him Embry." I smile at the memory, of watching it with Joshua. I knew he hated it, but he never complained.

"Hmm."

I shift uncomfortably in my seat as the quiet stretches on again.

"Embry seems like a good child."

I smile again. Talking about Embry always makes me smile. "He is."

"Sam tells me he gets picked on at school."

My smile quickly becomes a frown. Recently he has stopped telling me things.

"Sam stops them, you know. I think he knows, kind of. At the least, he sees them as sort of the same, no father and all."

"Thank you." I blurt, unable to stop myself.

Her face registers her surprise. "What for?"

"You have been more understanding than I deserve. I don't know if I could be in your place. And Sam, keeping an eye on him..." My words fail me.

She chuckles lightly. "What are brothers for?"


	21. Observing

**Joshua's POV**

I arrive home from work, feeling heavier in my spirit than I have for some time. The ache is beginning to wear on me, the constant need, the tightly stretched bonds of my imprint. My heart begs me to go back, my head tells me I have been doing so well. It's been years.

I collect my mail before I head into my now very comfortable house. I throw my work gear onto my marble topped kitchen bench, cross to sit by the massive fireplace that dominates my lounge, and begin to flick through my stack of mail.

Junk, requests, bills.

A letter from La Push.

I tear it open.

Julia's unmistakable, neat writing, a tear splotched page.

_Joshua, _

_Wherever you are, Old Quil said he would try and get this to you._

_Sarah's dead._

_Julia_

Panic rips through my system, the remaining letters slip through my fingers. Not Sarah, surely not Sarah. Wouldn't I know? Wouldn't I feel?

I book my flight for that night.

* * * * *

The relief when Sarah's scent hits me is insurmountable. I sit outside her house all day waiting for someone to come, begging for it to be Sarah. Finally, a car rumbled down the road toward her house, and I smell her; my pain dies instantly away.

For the moment, when she gets out of the car, again I almost run to her, so thankful I am that Julia was wrong.

Then Sue stepped out of the other side, tired, in obvious agony and the meaning of Julia's letter hit me with a shock. Billy's Sarah. A load of children stumbled tiredly out of the car, but my eyes were drawn only to the two girls whose faces looked like the world had ended. Which for them it had. I watched as they followed slowly after Sue and Sarah.

My next stop; Harry's house.

I was surprised at the difficulty I had in raising my fist to knock on the door. I haven't seen Harry for a good eight years, the last time being as I walked out of the hospital. But it had to be done.

I knocked; three short, sharp raps.

If only I had a camera when he answered. If things weren't so serious they would be comical; his jaw almost fell to the ground.

"Joshua?"

"Harry." I said quietly.

"Ah, what are you doing here?" I could see he was floundering, entirely unsure how to react.

"I came because I heard about Sarah."

He nodded in immediate understanding, his mouth tightened minutely. "And you thought it was Sarah Call."

I couldn't lie, Harry could still see right through me, like a sheet of clear glass.

"Yeah."

"Well, I guess you better come in. Sue's not here or I wouldn't let you. She'd rip you a new one."

I smiled sadly. I'm sure she would.

"She's with your Sarah. Billy is still in hospital and they've been looking after the kids. He'll never walk again you know."

My poor friend. I coughed. "Can he still fish?"

Harry laughed, although the sound was as strained as both of us felt.

"I'm sure he'll find a way."

"And poor Sarah." I shook my head, overwhelmed by memories of Billy and Sarah, so happy...

"They had a little boy too, Jacob."

"Those kids...is there anything I can do?"

"Not really."

I nodded, put squarely in my place.

"Look, things got...weird when you left. Obviously. And even more so when Sarah moved here; she became good friends with Sue and Billy's Sarah."

I couldn't hide my surprise.

"Then, of course, everyone found out she was the other woman, and things for her got...harder."

A growl rumbled up from low in my throat.

"It's not her fault. She didn't know anything about Julia and Sam."

"We know that, but La Push is a small place, and people like to gossip."

Poor Sarah, I'd left her in the worst possible position, adulteress to Julia's heroine, when the only person to blame was me.

"Sue and Sarah felt their loyalty belonged with Julia."

I sat quietly, once more hating myself for the mess I had caused for everyone. All my fault.

"She seems to be doing okay, though. She's started working at the shop."

La Push's one and only store. At least she was living some part of her dream. I almost asked if she'd been writing, but even I understood that was entirely inappropriate.

"Are you going to hang around for a while?"

I remain silent, considering.

"I might. But I don't want anyone to know I am here." My eyes pleaded with Harry to understand that I couldn't come back like that, I had to leave them be.

He returned my direct gaze.

"I think I understand, even if I don't necessarily agree."

"Thank you. That's all I need."

* * * * *

I stayed in Port Angeles, keeping my distance while remaining close enough to reach La Push whenever I wanted.

Every week I came back, restricting myself to that for fear of being spotted, beginning phasing again for the first time in eight years to help myself remain incognito and travel from place to place faster.

I watched Sarah at work, so calm, so perfect. My heart thudded in my chest every time I watched her lips curve as she greeted a customer, listened as she helped them with their queries.

I watched Sam at school, so like his mother. Studious, conscientious; day after day standing up for one younger boy in particular who had gained the unfortunate title of bastard. I thank everything that at least my son hadn't the misfortune to be called that.

On my final day of visiting before returning to my responsibilities, I find Sarah sitting with Rowena Ateara outside Billy's house. I watch her for a while, admiring the perfection of her face, her voice, when I catch Julia's scent. My head whips around in time to catch Julia and Sam walking up Billy's drive towards Sarah and Rowena. My poor Sarah.

"Julia." I can see the discomfit on Rowena's face; smell her nerves in the air.

"Ro." Julia's voice remains perfectly calm, detached. "How's Billy today?"

"Same." Julia nods, and ducks her head towards Sam's.

"Keep an eye on the little one's for me, sweetheart."

Sam nods at his mother's words. Rowena flickers a glance between Julia and Sarah before ambling around the house, Sam following quietly.

"Sarah." Julia states her name as she sits, and my heart beats painfully in my chest. I prepare myself to phase, to emerge of necessity, cut in and assure Julia Sarah knew nothing.

"Hi."

I watch carefully as Julia tilts her face back, a habit I recognize, the same thing she always does when she has something unpleasant to say, a way of steadying herself.

"I don't blame you."

I feels like my heart stops beating all together. I certainly didn't expect that, not even from Julia, one of the most understanding people I have ever known.

Sarah shifts in her seat, clearly uncomfortable, and it becomes belatedly obvious they have never met before now.

"He didn't say a word about me, did he?"

Sarah shook her head.

"So many years now." It was almost a whisper. "I did hate you for a time."

Sarah's face fell, guilt and misery evident in the set of her mouth.

"But I know Joshua. Even now I'm sure he's still the same. He wouldn't have said a word, not to either of us. I just don't know _why_, why he did it in the first place."

I turn then, running, stretching my muscles until they burned. Damn phasing, damn imprinting, damn it all. All the innocents it took along with it.

Damn it!


	22. The Downward Spiral

**Sarah's POV**

Things become harder as Embry grows. If he didn't have Jacob and Quil, I have no idea what I would do. Gradually he opens up to me less and less, disappearing for hours at a time to goodness knows where. Every night I go to bed, planning on talking things out with him in the morning and every morning I put it off again.

And every night I drink another few wines to help me cope.

At first I thought nothing of it; my day was over, my son was asleep, and I had one or two to relax. I know now I need it, and it's out of control, but still I can't help myself.

It gets worse when I remember what Joshua told me, all those years ago, about his phasing, that it passes from father to son, that his grandfather was the same. My fear for Embry almost paralyzes me.

As he moves into his teenage years I worry for him more and more. Every girl he dates, I worry that he will get serious, and maybe the same thing will happen to him as it did to Julia.

Julia. She is such a generous woman; I sicken at all this has cost her, her whole family unit. She remains kind; aloof, but kind. Never once has she blamed me, treats me with nothing but respect. Sam, even as he gets older, still keeps an eye on Embry, although now from a distance. Another worry. Sam and Sue's Leah have become so tight, so happy together. I don't think h has phased yet. What if he does? What will that mean for them? Knowing what I know, I'm terrified.

I drown all this with more and more alcohol. And as I do, I watch Embry's distaste grow. Oh, I know he loves me, but it pains him to watch, which in turn fuels the cycle.

I bury myself in my work in an attempt to let it all go.

Although, every year, every birthday Embry has, after the celebrations and everything is cleared away, I put my tape in and cry, remembering the man who fathered him, wishing I could move on.


	23. Hello's And A Goodbye

**A/N - Okay, so I've posted two chapters together, because the last one was very short, kind of just a filler...and I couldn't leave it with just that.**

**Hope you enjoy this one (GRINS)**

**

* * *

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**Joshua's POV**

My Sam's 16th birthday. 16 years since I left. I decide now is time to get in touch with him, despite swearing years ago that I would never intefere. I seriously consider visiting him, talking to him face to face, but I am a coward. Story of my life. Instead, I seat my self at my writing desk, my pen hovering over the paper, trying to find the words to begin.

_Dearest Samuel,_

_I know this will be a shock for you, as you have heard nothing from me in all these years, but I feel now, that you have turned sixteen, I owe you some sort of...explanation._

_I never really wanted to leave you, or your mother, but I felt it was the only thing I could do in the circumstances. I would love to tell you more...maybe one day I will be able to. For now I want nothing more than for you to know I love you._

_Have any strange things happened in your life? This is a huge question I have been wondering for many years, how things are going, so on and so forth. I am certain your mother raised you to be a wonderful man. _

_I don't know what rumors you have heard growing up, I believe most would be false, some aren't. I have no excuses. I can only tell you I left because I didn't want to hurt any one._

_I love you,_

_Your father,_

_Joshua Uley._

I barely read over what I have written, sure if I do that I will change my mind, realize how foolish what I am trying to do is. I post the letter that same day, nervously anticipating his reply.

* * * * *

I don't have long to wait. A week later an envelope marked La Push, Washington, appears in my letter box.

My son's anger is impossible to ignore - in some places his pen has ripped a hole right through the paper.

_Joshua,_

_I am not interested in your reasons. Of course I know all the rumors, know all about Sarah Call. What you have put my mother through, I will never forgive you for, yet for some reason she insists on defending you to me. Even now._

_She's dying. I blame you for that. If she didn't have to shoulder her burdens alone, maybe she wouldn't be in this position, maybe I would be able to reach adulthood in peace._

_You're no father of mine; I am ashamed of the name Uley._

_In answer to your question, nothing strange has happened, other than my usual day to day life. Don't bother writing to me again; you gave up your fatherly rights when you walked out of that hospital sixteen years ago._

_Samuel._

A few unwilling tears drip onto the page. It is no more than I deserve. I book another flight to Seattle, my third in his lifetime.

* * * * *

I find Julia sitting up in her hospital bed, her eyes tired, her frame emaciated.

Cancer.

"Julia."

Her dark rimmed eyes widen at my silent approach.

"Joshua!" The words come out as barely more than a whisper. "What are you doing here?"

"Our son told me you were dying. I had to see you one more time."

"To explain?"

I watched a silent tear slide down her withered cheek. And I made the decision to break all the rules.

"Yes."

An hour I spent, explaining all I knew about phasing, everything about my imprinting, how sorry I was.

"So it's all true." She said at last.

"I'm so sorry Jules. If I could have taken it back, I would have." I hold her cold hand in my hot one.

"I know you would." She leans her head tiredly against the pillows behind her back. "I never stopped loving you."

I pressed my forehead lightly against hers. "I know."

"Thank you for coming, Joshua. It means a lot. Keep trying with Sam. He needs you now."

"I will."

"I'm so tired, Josh, so tired. And frightened."

"Don't be frightened, Jules. I'm here." The last thing I can do for her.

"Remember when you proposed?"

"I remember."

"It's nice to understand it all now. We were so lucky to have that time."

"We were."

I sit there as she falls asleep. When I hear Sam, I leave the hospital, but I wait nearby, listening closely to the sound of Julia's heart monitor. In the dark hours, sometime after midnight, the sounds change, weaken and spread until eventually they fade away all together, to be replaced by the combined tears of my son and I.

* * * * *

A month later, I arrive home to another letter. My hands shake as I rip open the envelope, I recognize Sam's writing from all the times I have gone over his other letter, trying to find him in the words.

_Dear Joshua,_

_I finally understand, and I don't know where else to turn. Mom explained things to me briefly the night she died, she said you were around. She was really happy. _

_Something strange has happened now, well, more than one thing._

_I phased for the first time the night Mom died. Old Quil came to see me a few days before that and freaked when he shook my hand, he said I was just like you...I nearly bit his head off. Eventually I let him explain, I understand all about the wolf stuff, protector of La Push and all._

_But now...let me start back earlier._

_Leah and I have been a couple forever, since primary school._

My heart lurched as I read this bit.

_I really did love her, truly. She was the one. But last week, her cousin came to visit, Emily, and...I can't explain it. I haven't told anyone, not even Leah._

_But it seems it was exactly what you described to Mom, things changed when I saw her. Imprinting?_

_I don't know where to turn. I don't see Leah in anything like the same way I saw her before, I'm totally confused. I owe her better than this, what can I do?_

_I understand why you left now._

_I can't get Emily out of my mind._

_Help me, Joshua, please._

_Sam_

_PS. You really need to come here and see me; there is something else important I need to talk about with you._

My son is turning to me for help. My heart swells.

* * * * *

I drive from Seattle to La Push, considering it less disturbing to Sam than turning up on his doorstep as a wolf.

I can't remember the last time I felt quite so nervous. Probably the last time I saw Sarah.

I knock once, fidget as I wait for him to answer.

When the door opens, I'm amazed. The small boy I saw last time is entirely gone; in his place is a man, tall enough to look me directly in the eye, and just as broad across. The heat radiates off his skin. It's obvious he is one of the pack.

He and I. The last of the Quileute wolves.

"Joshua." His eyes, the color the same as mine, glance over me briefly. "Come in."

I step into my old house, exactly as I remember it, with just a few additions. A shelf of photos of Sam and Julia over the years. Missing me, because of this damn phasing thing.

"Have a seat."

The same couch that Julia and I sat on together, so happily in the first few weeks of our marriage, so uncomfortably for me afterwards.

I sit on the low dark sofa, waiting for the silence to be broken.

"So." Sam says. "Uh...I really don't know where to start."

"Anywhere is fine." And it is, I just like hearing him speak, to me.

"Well," his face takes on an even more uncomfortable expression. "Is the name Embry familiar at all to you?"

Embry. Oh, yes, that name is definitely familiar. I feel a gentle tug in the region of my heart.

"Why, is that old soap star coming to town or something?" I smile wryly. "Sarah would be happy."

Again with the uncomfortable look.

"No, see there's a boy at my school. His name is Embry Call. He's the year below me."

I stare at him blankly for a minute as what he is telling me sinks in.

"Embry _Call_?"

A grade below.

"Like, nine months younger?"

"Something like that."

Hell. Oh, really. Hell.


	24. Those Who Don't Know Pay The Most

**Joshua's POV**

I remain seated on Sam's couch for over an hour. He must feel sorry for me, because he clears out returning minutes later with a huge steaming cup of tea.

"I didn't mean to shock you."

I nod, accepting the cup.

"I thought you should know."

I nod again. "How could I not have seen him?"

"Because you haven't been around." I hear the bitter tone creep into his voice.

"I have...visited."

He stares at me, wide eyed in surprise.

"A couple of times."

"And you never thought to stop in, say hello properly?" Anger rapidly replaces the bitterness.

"I didn't want to hurt anyone more than I already had."

I watch silently as his skin begins to shimmer.

"Easy, Sam."

My words alert him to his action.

"Sorry." Slowly the shaking subsides. "I thought you couldn't care less. I hated that. Hate it."

My face falls at his obvious distress and confusion. "I'm so sorry Sam. I didn't want this for you. I just thought it would be easier."

He looks thoughtful. "Yeah, I guess I understand your point. Since I found out about Sarah...between the resentment I kind of guessed you thought it would be better than bringing home your mistress. I just wished you didn't have one at all."

"You and me both. I would never have done that to your mom by choice."

"I know that now." He drops heavily into the chair beside me.

I shake my head, trying to rid myself of curiosity and concern over my other son, the one I had no idea existed, in order to concentrate on helping the one I knew, who was right in front of me.

"Tell me what happened."

"See Leah and me, we've been inseparable since forever. It was always her and I, and I really love her. Loved her. Right up until a few weeks ago when her cousin came down to visit and...kaboom, I guess. Suddenly, she looked like my sister."

"I know."

"I...I..." I watched his fists clench again. "I hate it! I mean, I know I am utterly in love with Emily, totally bonded to her. I can't help it. But Lee-lee...what am I going to say? I can't lead her along."

"And you can't tell her anything precise either.'

"Huh?"

"Because she isn't your imprint."

He glanced at me, confused and disbelieving. "You told Mom."

"I broke the rules. I owed her that much."

"Well couldn't I do that with Leah? Help her understand it's not her?"

"Your mother was dying, Sam. That was the only reason."

"Damn it!" His fist slams into the couch arm, cracking it under the pressure. "Damn it all! I hate all this! It really sucks!"

"Believe me, son, I can relate."

"Why couldn't we just keep going the way we were, talking marriage, and babies..."

"Be thankful you never followed through with that, otherwise one day you might have been sitting across from your son like this trying to explain, while another..."

"Oh." He turns his head to me quickly. "Do you want to see him? I should have thought of that before. I know where he hangs out."

I nod sharply, my stomach twisted in knots.

* * * * *

"So that's him."

Sam and I stand hidden in the dark trees, looking over the sand into a half hidden bend where Embry sits with Jacob, talking animatedly.

"That's him."

I looked from Embry to Sam, noting the similarities, the things that must have come from me, in amazement.

"Who would think one person could miss out on so much. Two sons I don't know." My voice comes out sounding close to a whine.

"Do you want to meet him?"

"No. God, no." Anger and frustration spread cross Sam's face.

"Why in the hell not?" He hisses. As much as he looks like a man grown he's still only

16.

"Because he probably doesn't even know who his father is. Can you imagine what it would do, me strolling up, 'hello, I'm your Dad'? You _knew_, and it was hard enough."

He huffs in irritation, but doesn't argue with me. "I wish I could though, Sam. Like you wouldn't believe."

Together we stare out over the landscape. After a time, I grow curious. "How long have you known he was your brother?"

Sam remains so still and silent, I wonder if he heard my question.

"A very long time." He says quietly. "I think I was about seven or eight when I could tell. It was like looking into a mirror sometimes, the expression on his face. I asked Mom, she didn't give me a straight answer for years."

I sighed heavily. The damage, when would it ever end?

* * *

**A/N - I hope to have the next chapter out in a few hours (it's almost done, just needs a check over.) Then, I mihgt drift off for a little while I concentrate on the Age Of Edward Contest...**

**Ah, I loves me a historical story...**

**I hope you're still enjoying this (:**


	25. All That The Intervening Years Do

**Sarah's POV**

"Leah's cousin's been hurt."

I nod absently in Embry's direction.

"Mom! Did you hear what I said?"

"Mmm. Leah's hurt."

"God, Mom. I'm going out."

The door closed faintly somewhere in a part of my brain, somewhere unaffected by the alcohol. Julia's death had left such a gaping hole, filled with the sour taste of guilt; I turned to my salvation more and more regularly now.

Even the hurt I was causing Embry was fading from my vision.

Sometimes, I wondered who I was now, if Joshua would recognize me if he ever came back. I couldn't recognize myself much of the time. I wasn't that girl any more, of that I was certain, the innocent one, impressed by the hard muscles and charming manner, the easy laugh of the giant wolf I had fallen in love with. I hadn't put pen to paper since not long after Embry was born, and my dream of owning a store of my own had become ashes in my mouth, destroyed by my own stupidity.

The man who owned the small souvenir shop left it to me when he died, as he had no next of kin and knew how much I had wanted this life. At the time my thankfulness had known no bounds. Now all that is buried under a fog I can never escape from. The wine bottle hovers over the empty glass.

* * * * *

Another bottle sits next to another glass after I hear about Harry. Poor Sue. Harry, dead of a heart attack.

I was beginning to feel like a curse. Since I'd come here, Sarah, Julia and Harry have passed away, and Billy...only now defying the doctor's beliefs and able to stand. I know blaming it on myself is ridiculous; these things would have happened regardless; but I find myself feeling more and more depressed, and alone.

Poor Sue. I consider visiting, but I know she needs time...not the drunken miserable woman I have become.

* * * * *

The bell echoes through my head as well as the small store and I move automatically towards the front.

A very handsome, tall man stands near the postcards, absent mindedly brushing his fingers over them.

"Good morning, is there something I can help you with?"

He shifts his gaze to me, the bright green of his eyes taking my breath away, even as I compare them to a dark, smiling pair.

"I was wondering if you would like dinner."

"It's one o'clock." I answer automatically, making him smile.

"Sorry, I meant later. I've been admiring you for some time."

I smile. "Have you really? I haven't seen you."

"I haven't wanted you to."

"Hmm." Arrogant.

"I'm sorry, I must seem very rude. My name is Simon."

I remembered, long ago, those green eyes.

"Simon. It's been a long time."

"Ah, so you remember me."

"How could I forget?" How _could_ I forget? He was the reason I met Joshua...I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth, determined to leave that behind.

"Well, then, would you allow me to make up for my stupidity from when we were younger? Say on Friday night?"  
"Sure."

"I'll see you then."

He was out the door before I had a chance to change my mind.

* * * * *

Dinner was a surprise. Simon was pleasant, genial. He told me he'd been married, and divorced, had two children, aged eleven and eight. I told him about Embry, now sixteen, how much he'd grown over the last few months. I didn't tell him how much that worried me, how much he was beginning to look like his father.

When he drove me home, he pushed for no more than a chaste kiss good night; a relief for me, as I had been with no one since Joshua and I was still unsure if I was ready for that again.

I managed to leave the remainder of the wine in the bottle on the cupboard.

* * * * *

I saw no sign of Embry for weeks. When he finally did come home, it was to dive in, grab food and a change and dive out again. I wished I could ask him what was going on, but I hadn't earned the right. Instead, I focused on numbing everything.

* * * * *

A year later later, and things are going well, overall. I am finally enjoying my work again, and Simon is more patient than I could ever ask for; still leaving me at my door, never pushing for more than I am willing to give. Comparisons to Joshua are always in my mind, but I am doing better with ignoring them. I rarely see Embry, which is my only real concern.

I arrive home early one day, tired, turning the key in the lock with little enthusiasm. I stop dead in the doorway when I see the mess left on the floor.

Great Expectations. Photo's, letters. I can't compute what I am staring at. I drop to my knees, overwhelmed.

The front door swings open as I climb reluctantly to my feet, still clutching the evidence of my lost life. A tiny girl flies in, brown/gold hair streaming, golden eyes smiling serenely.

"Hello."

"Hi." I stare blankly in her direction. She speaks, but it's like I am underwater, every word she says garbled and distant.

Another quiet set of footsteps, nearly silent in fact.

"Embry. Who is this?" I don't know what else to say.

"This is Suyai, Mom." I watch unblinkingly as he crosses the room, wraps one around the girls waist, the expression on his face heartbreakingly familiar, like the one in the picture I'm holding.

"Oh." My hand shakes when I remember what I am holding, and understanding suddenly washes over me. "I think we need to talk, Embry." I glance at the girl, Suyai.

"Suyai knows everything, Mom."

I drop onto the couch, speechless. "Oh." I take a heavy breath. "I can't really explain, Embry. I was so young, and he was so charming. I didn't know he was married, let alone about Sam."

"I know, Mom, I..." I peeked at my enormous, unsure son. "I read the letters."

My breath whooshed out, and I dropped my head, hiding my tears.

"I'm so sorry Embry." I think over everything, about Joshua, about Simon. "You deserve better, you deserved a father who was here, who loved you. I should have been smarter. I should have _married_ someone else." If only things that night had been different...

"Mom, you were the best ever, really." A single tear escapes, slips down my cheek. "I'm not just saying it." Embry seats himself next to me, and at this close proximity I feel the heat radiating off him, reminding me...

"I need to know something Embry." The small girl perches lightly on my other side.

"Mmm?"

"Do you have...are you...do any _odd _things happen to you?" I choke out the last words.

I can feel my sons burning gaze. "Like what?"

"Like, uh..." Like you become a monstrous animal, like your father.

"Yes." The tinkling elf on my left answers, both my words and my thoughts. "Yes, just like Joshua."

"Oh."

"Ok, let me in on this, _what_ just like Joshua?" I smile a tiny smile.

"Embry! Phasing of course!" He stares past me at Suyai, shocked. Then back at me.

"What do you know about that?"

I take a huge breath. "Joshua showed me a few times. I thought it was cool...I knew that you might do the same thing eventually."

"And you never thought to say anything?" His voce is incredulous.

"What could I have said? I didn't want you to know what I had done, and if I told you, then you would have known. I assumed you would say something to me if it happened. I guess not." My own fault.

"I was trying to protect you, Mom."

"And I you. What a silly pair." I smile at my son, at the face I love so much.

"Yes a very silly pair." Suyai chimes in.

"Does Sam know?" The muscles of my stomach clench with the familiar guilty ache.

"Yes."

"Is he alright?" Please say yes, please Em.

"He's..." My breathing halts in terror. "He's happy."

"Good." Relief washes through me, cleansing. I face the chirpy girl on my left, finally able to think a little more clearly.

"I have been so rude; I haven't asked you anything about your friend here." They answer me at once. Fading into the background is Embry's "My girlfriend."

Burning through my mind like a meteor; Suyai's words. "His imprint."

I feel my face drain of color. "Imprint?" Everything that word entails is more than I can face.


	26. Goodbye Old Friend

**Joshua's POV**

Another loss, the pain like a knife. Harry.

So much death, so much hurt. It seems barely yesterday Sam rang me in a frenzy; shattered because he had attacked Emily during an uncontrolled phase.

And before that, Julia's death, and before that Sarah's.

And left here - me. Unable to do much of anything to myself, the slightest cut healing in a matter of seconds, while around me my friends and family suffer. It doesn't seem fair, nothing even close to fair.

I find myself hiding in the trees again, watching the coffin of one I called brother, we were so close, be lowered into the ground. I watch Sue, being held up by Charlie Swan, someone I never had a chance to know, someone who became friends with Harry after I was already gone, both of them shaking from the force of their grief.

My tears are the silent type, cascading down my face, my pain a private one. The memories of long hours of fishing and time spent, the thoughts of all the time missed since I left.

Across the way I see my Sam, and what is obviously his pack, as all the boys are enormous. A jolt goes through me as I recognize my other son, Embry. I shake my head sadly; both my sons have to suffer because of me.

A sickly sweet smell invades my senses as I watch my friend's funeral, a scent that distracts me from anything other the wish to kill and rip.

I hold my breath as much as I am able, horrified. I tremble slightly, though I don't understand why, I can only imagine the smell is coming from the body, which sickens me. The idea that the monster in me sees him in that way...

I seek out Old Quil as soon as everyone leaves.

I find him with Sam, both of them lost in what looks to be a very serious discussion.

They jump a foot as I quietly appear beside them.

"Dad!" My heart soars, I do not miss that this is the first time Sam has ever called me that.

"Joshua." Quil seems considerably less surprised. "How are you feeling?"

"Miserable. And very confused. That smell before..."

"You could smell that?" Sam stares at me in surprise. "I thought you had stopped phasing?"

Quil frowns at Sam.

"Now, son, you know our stories. You know even the young ones, descended from the original pack, could smell it well before they were of an age to become a wolf themselves. And us oldies...we can still smell them, even long after we have stopped becoming wolves."

I gaze at them perplexed. I was never a great student. "What exactly can we all smell?

"Vampires of course." Quil directs his frown at me.

"Well, one to be exact." Sam is frowning now too. "We've been hunting her for some time, but she is a tricky one..."

"There's vampires here?" I worry instantly. Sam, Embry, _Sarah_.

Sam gives me a look that clearly says 'are you nuts?' "Mum was right about one thing, you did hate school and learning, didn't you?"

Quil and I chuckle lightly.

"Yeah." I answer, before becoming serious again. "But what can I do?"

"Nothing."

The flat tone in Sam's voice takes me back.

"What do you mean, I..."

I throw a pleading look at Old Quil, who in turn raises his hands. "He is the Alpha, Josh. It's entirely up to him how he runs the pack."

"But as his father shouldn't I..."

"It doesn't work like that."

I turn back to face Sam. "I can't just go home, leave this all to you. What if things go wrong?"

"It's one vampire. We've already taken another out with not even a graze on any of us. We'll be fine."

"But..." Sam's eye's flare, I can see the command in them. I give up right there, realizing that not only is my son a man, but MY Alpha, if I ever choose to phase again. I certainly do not want my own son telling me what to do.

"I'm not going home."

"Please, Dad." The Dad bit throws me off. "What would happen if Embry found out?"

He's right. That's not the way to let him know.

"Fine. But I want to hear the second it's all over."

You got it." He turns to Quil, and I take a step back, realizing how little my son needs me, in every way. How he has made do without me for all these years, and still is. More pain, always the pain.

* * * * *

I feel like I spend every waiting moment sitting by my phone waiting to hear from Sam. Finally, months later, I do.

"Joshua. We got the vampire. Well, all nineteen."

"Nineteen!"

"Don't worry, old man." He chuckles. "Everyone's fine. I told you we had this."

"How's things with you and Emily?"

"Going well. We're engaged."

"And Leah?"

Complete silence.

"Sam?"

"She's one of us."

"Sorry?"

"She's a wolf. And things with her...well, worse seems a good word."

My heart goes out to him. "Worse, how?"

"She'll never forgive me. She reminds me every day...I don't know how you made it through."

"I'm still trying."

"Well that's promising." He says with more than a trace of bitterness.

There's nothing I can say.


	27. A Chance At Something New

**Joshua's POV**

The pages of Sarah's letters are now so worn in places I wonder if I shouldn't pull them out to read anymore. Yet I do; they are the only solid link I have to her. That, our son and my memories.

Our son. I still haven't gotten used to it. Embry. I try the name out on my tongue again. I wonder what he is like, as a person. Sam is so much more than I ever dreamed, with all the positive qualities Julia possessed, and a maturity beyond his years.

Embry...

The phone interrupts my train of thought.

"Hello?"

"J...Dad."

"Sam? What? What's wrong?"

"I...I think it's time you saw Embry."

"What happened?"

An irritated huff on the other end of the line. "This is not really for me to say, but..." I wait anxiously. "He's having imprinting issues."

I groan. "It must be an Uley thing."

Sam actually managed a laugh. "His problem is...a little different to ours."

"Oh?"

"_He_ actually managed to imprint before settling down with someone else. The problem is he isn't interested in settling down at all, and her brother...well, he takes offense to that. He's been staying on my couch, trying to hide it from his Mom."

"Hmm."

"Her brother is very old fashioned." A moment's silence. "He's over a hundred, so I guess that would explain it."

"Over a hundred? I don't get you."

"He's a half vampire. So is Suyai."

"Ah...I guess Suyai is his imprint then?"

"Yeah. I think he needs help. And I think you'd be best."

"I'm there."

Half vampires and all.

* * * * *

Again with the nerves. I can imagine what Embry will say, so I steel myself.

Sam answers my knock, looking worn and stressed.

"Joshua."

I nod; worried I might say something stupid if I open my mouth. Sam steps back, giving me room to enter.

"This is Embry."

A shocked and miserable face leans over the top of the sofa. I smile, happy to be in the room with both my sons, happy to see the signs of Sarah in his features, as well as me.

"Embry, huh?" I smile, hoping this will break the ice. "She always had a thing for that name."

The response is a terse nod.

"I guess you know who I am." Another sharp ducking of the head, he glances over at Sam.

"You two have a lot to discuss." Sam, ever the Alpha. "Are you staying for dinner?"

"If you don't mind." Dinner with my sons. A...novel idea.

"No, it's not a problem. I'll let Emily know."

A small sigh and I slowly walk to the other couch, pat the space next to me, hopeful he'll be willing to be that close.

"I'll bet you have a lot of questions." He sinks slowly down next to me.

"Not really."

I'm surprised. "Really? Not even 'why weren't you around'?

"Well, there is that."

"And maybe 'what were you doing with my Mom when you were already married'?"

"That too."

"I know Sam hasn't told you anything."

He stares at me unblinkingly.

I sigh again, staring up at the roof. "Where to begin..." I pause, thinking. "I did love Sam's mother. She was a remarkable woman, so self assured, confident. We were very young when we married. She didn't know anything about my phasing."

He looks down.

"But well, when I met your mother...I laugh lightly. Poor Julia. Poor Leah. "Like father like son, I guess. Damn imprinting."

His fists jerk in his lap.

"Your mother, she was the one. But I was married; I had a baby on the way..."

I tilt my head back again, flooded by painful, remorseful memories.

"Imprinting is no excuse for what I did. I couldn't keep myself from your Mom, the pull was too strong. My love for Sam's mother...it just...faded. And I didn't control myself, I did what I wanted to, I spent so much time with your mother. I didn't tell her about anything."

"I know." I glance at him sidelong.

"Do you? You must think I'm the biggest jerk in history. I don't blame you. I didn't know your Mom was pregnant when I left. Sam had just been born. I looked into his eyes, and I knew I couldn't do it. To him, to his mother, to Sarah. So I ran."

I paused, took another deep breath.

"I contacted Sam when he was 16. I knew this was genetic, even though it could have happened to any one of the descendants of the first pack. It was only me in my time."

I sigh.

"It took him a long time to even acknowledge me. I guess, if I had of explained everything first...I found out he had a wonderful girl, Leah. Next I heard he was phasing and had imprinted, and then that he had hurt Emily."

My eyes drop to the floor. "Such a mess." I mumble.

"He told me about you. Sam, smart boy, stopped me from diving on you when I found out. Your Mom would have suspected what you were, seen the signs."

I turn around in my seat to look at him earnestly.

"So that leads us to here. Sam thought you could use my...influence." I snort. Ha. What a joke. "I can't imagine you'd be interested much, not after all these years." Sam's not, I think to myself sadly.

He remains silent for a while.

So my Mom was..._is_...your imprint?"

"Yes, and I haven't seen a face since."

"I think I understand."

A soft wave of pleasure rolls over me. "That's more than I could ever have hoped for. I can see her in you. It feels like home." Like comfort, and peace. "How is she?"

"She's ok. She's just started dating." It hits me like a physical blow, at the same time I feel...relief that she is happy.

"Well, that's...good. Good for her." I stay quiet for a minute, dealing with the rush of misery at his news. "Tell me about your girl. Is it Sayi?"

"Suyai."

"Unusual name."

"She comes from South America."

"With her brother, I hear."

"Yes."

"What happened, what's wrong?"

"Her brother won't let me see her unless we agree to marry."

I raise an eyebrow at him, wondering why this is an issue.

"When's the date then?"

"It's not that simple."

"Embry you don't want to be like me." I want to grab him, shake him, make him understand that in the bigger scheme of things, this is not a big deal. "Embry, if I could have married, been with your Mom forever, I would have done it in a heartbeat. Don't be the fool that I was. Grab it while it's there."

I hope I get through to him.


	28. A New Life

**Joshua's POV**

"Something you failed to mention?" I grin at Sam as I help him lay out the dinner dishes for a very pregnant Emily.

"Yeah. Any day now."

"Well, I guess I owe you congratulations then." My first grandchild. Wow.

"I guess."

I look closely at him; finally see the lines of tension in his face, the tightness around his mouth.

"Are you alright, Sam?"

Emily's face spins towards us at my words.

"Yeah, sure. Great."

I concentrate on the forks I am laying out, knowing he is not ready to talk now, probably wanting to wait until Emily is out of earshot.

"Oohhh."

The plate Sam is holding slips out his hands at Emily's cry, bouncing on the table; he crosses the kitchen in one enormous stride.

"Em! What is it?"

"What do you think, Sam?" she glares.

I smile to myself. It is kind of funny, but only because it's not me.

Sam's face crashes as Emily screams. "God, where's the phone?" One hand rests on her back as with the other he scatters things all over the table. I calmly hand him the phone from the other side of the room.

Still rubbing her back he tries to dial, and I cross to the stove, gently ease Emily towards the table, and return to remove the bubbling pots. Embry bursts through the front door.

"I'll get to see my first grandchild born, how humbling."

"Screw humble, help me with this phone!" I smile wider as Sam shakes it in my face; his own a blur of fear.

I dial quickly, request an ambulance. Emily screams again.

"It's coming now." I tell them

"We have no time!" She at least, is remotely calm, even through the obvious agony.

"But I thought they take hours!" Sam stumbles over his words, blindly.

"What do you know about babies?" She yells at him. "Other than making them?" I chuckle quietly, turning off the stove. "Besides, my back has been killing me all day."

She screams again. I look over at Embry; see his face clearing of surprise. "What can I do?"

"Hot water." Emily pants. "Towels. String. Scissors. Gloves if you can find any."

Embry shoots off, and I go to Sam, touch his shoulder lightly and indicate the floor.

"Yeah." He mumbles. Together we help Emily onto her back.

Embry returns quickly just as Sam shouts; "You're crowning! What...?"

Emily glares at him. "No shit Sam! Get it out!"  
Sam gawks wildly at Embry and I. "Help me!?"

I seat myself at Emily's head; take her hands gently in mine.

"Squeeze as hard as you like Em."

I miss minutes as she does exactly that, cutting off my circulation. I can take an awful lot of pain without flinching, but she has some remarkable strength.

"Some one will be here soon." I soothe her once her grip eases slightly.

"Not soon enough." I hear her whisper before she screams again.

"That's the head." My gaze fly's up to Sam. "Get the towel ready Embry." My sons. Sam has regained his composure, glares at Embry with the kind of stern look I usually reserve for my staff. Embry lays the towel carefully over Sam's hands, looking pointedly in another direction.

"C'mon, Emily. You can do this, love."

"Screw you Sam, this is all your fault!"

One final push and Sam holds his child.

"It's a boy." Tears well in my eyes at the sound of his awestruck voice, at the first cry of my grandson.

"We have a boy."

"Have you thought of a name?" I choke out, looking down at a very weary but happy Emily.

"Anthony." She sighs. "Anthony Embry Uley."

The tears flow unchecked down my cheeks.

"For his uncle." Sam murmurs, grinning at Embry.

And so my line continues.

* * * * *

Embry comes to me after Sam and Emily leave in the ambulance, baby Anthony cradles in his mothers arms.

"I think I'll do it." He says quietly. "I thought about what you said. I don't want to lose her, not even for a little while. I don't know how you bear it."

"The truth?" I ask him, and he nods. "I don't."

He nods again, understanding and pity in his eyes.

"I better go find Seth."

"Do I know him?" I ask absently.

"Seth Clearwater."

Clearwater. Poor boy. Oh, Harry.

"Oh."

I'm slightly relieved to find myself here alone, to sift through my thoughts in the silence. I never had the chance to see my Sam born, or Embry either. It was such a proud moment watching my eldest son hold up his own eldest son, a moment I will treasure forever. I wish Julia had been here to share it; it would have meant the world to her.

And Embry. My Sarah. Her name lives on. I can smell the faint scent of her everywhere here in La Push, her floral/fruity flavor unlike anything else. It burns my nostrils and eyes, causes my heart to ache with every beat. My wanting of her has remained exactly the same over the years, untouched by anyone or anything.


	29. Surprising And Unsurprising Events

**Joshua's POV**

Within days from one son's milestone to another's.

Embry struggles as I make the fourth attempt to tie his tie.

"If you don't hold still, I will never get this done." He shifts again.

"Are you sure I'm doing the right thing?"

I raise my eyebrow.

"Are you sure you love her?"

He glares at me.

'What a stupid question."

"So was yours."

"Fine. Point proven."

Finally he holds still long enough, and the job is done.

"So I guess your mother will be there." I ask the question blandly, trying to hide that it had been on my mind for days.

"Of course."

I nod, not trusting myself to say anything. My Sarah. Finally I would see her again, properly, not hidden as I have been every other time.

I distract myself by helping Emily with the flowers for Embry and myself.

* * * * *

I smell Sarah before I reach the seats, even through the sickly sweet aroma of the vampire and half vampire that are here. I see her dark hair, softly blowing in the breeze. My heart stutters. I sneak a glance at her profile as she looks out over at the ocean. As beautiful as ever, even with her perfect bow mouth puckered and her upturned nose wrinkling. My love.

I look quickly away as she turns her head, trying to hide my interest, obvious as it is.

I feel her eyes burning into me, but resolutely stare towards Embry, nervous and shaking, waiting for his bride.

Out of the corner of my eye I glimpse Leah, so much like her mother, the resemblance is impossible to miss. "Relax, he's doing it." She whispers in the ear of the man next to her. Suyai's brother.

A single flutist begins his haunting melody, and I peek back over at Sarah, who is now watching Suyai, like the rest of the assembled guests. Her eyes sparkle with excitement, her smile lights up her face. I see pride and joy shining on her features, and I wish she could look at me with similar emotion.

The rest of the ceremony passes in a blur of covert looks. I only catch The 'I Do's'.

* * * * *

As soon as the wedding finishes, I am accosted by the vampire that attended.

"You must be Joshua."

Her elfin face blinds me, sparkling as it is in the light, and her scent stings my nose.

"Yes. And you are..."

"Alice. Alice Cullen."

I nod, trying to hold my breath to avoid the smell.

Her gaze flickers to Sarah, standing to the side, chatting to Sam and Emily. My own eyes refuse to break away.

"You should say hello."

I stare down at this tiny intrusive person in surprise.

"Pardon me?"

"Sarah. You should say hello."

I frown. "Not that is really any of your business, but I doubt she would want to say hello to me."

The pixie in front of me laughs in delight.

"I think you'll find you're wrong."

I catch Sarah's eye. She looks away quickly, but not before I catch the warm red stealing across her cheeks. What if the vampire is right...My legs work of their own accord, timing perfectly with the renewed laughter of Alice.

"Sarah." I breathe when I am right behind her. My throat closes before I have a chance to say any more.

She spins around to face me, her eyes wide, her cheeks still pink.

"Joshua."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Sam and Emily edge away.

"How have you been?" I ask, leaning forward, my eyes half closed, her scent overpowering.

"Fine. Great. I'm seeing someone." I hear the defensive tone in her voice, lean back on my heels.

"Yes." I say stiffly. "I heard. He's a very lucky man."

"Yes." It takes me a minute but finally I notice, very faint under her own smell, the aroma of...wine.

"It's been a long time."

Her eyes narrow infinitesimally. "Yes. It has." The tension wraps around me like a blanket, tightly.

I watch as she takes a deep breath.

"Are you staying long?" I open my mouth to say no, I promised I was going straight home, but I hesitate.

"A while." I finally answer. Her shoulders drop slightly.

"Oh."

"Sarah, would you let me take you out to dinner? I'm sure you have questions. Please give me a chance." I blurt this out very quickly, and she blinks at me in surprise.

"Oh. Oh, well, I guess...yes, I guess that would be ok."

I grin. "Great. Would you like to go now, or should I come pick you up?"

"Later." She says softly. "Would be better."

"I look forward to it." Like nothing else, for the longest time.

I hear a faint "So do I," Before she walks away, climbing into her car and driving off.

Only now I notice there is no one else here but me.

* * * * *

"C'mon Joshua, didn't I hear you tell Embry this afternoon not to worry?"

"No." I counter Emily, "I said he was being stupid."

She laughs. "And the difference is?"

"Everything. He hasn't made a mess of things with his imprint."

"And you're so determined you have with yours?"

I sigh, exasperated. "Well, I couldn't have done any worse, could I?"

"You love her, right?"

"Of course, that will never change."

"Well, then you could have done worse, couldn't you?"

I choose to ignore the logic. I can't believe Sarah will ever truly forgive me.

"Look, Joshua, just explain. Be honest. Let her be angry. I think she'll forgive you."

"I'll cross my fingers you're right."

Emily patted my arm before rising from the table to place the now fast asleep Anthony in his crib.

"Relax." If only it was that easy.

* * * * *

I roll my car slowly into Sarah's drive, my heart pounding double time in my chest. It surprises me that two cars sit out the front. Curiously, I get out of my own car, and cross to a white one, the furthest from the house. There is very little to see, except for a few CD's. I shrug, and walk slowly to the door, pacing myself, preparing for what might be the most terrifying moment of my life.

Will she ever forgive me?

I knock lightly, and stand back.

A man answers, and the animal in my chest roars.

"And you are?" He asks smugly. The face is remarkably familiar.

"You." I growl. There is no way I could forget that face, even after this many years. The urge to kill him still remains.

I step closer, baring my teeth. "Remember me?" My fists clench, the need to rip almost overwhelming. I can still remember Sarah huddled under the blankets. And fighting to free herself from him.

"Oh!" He smirks. "You're the one who left her while she was pregnant."

"I didn't know." I spat out.

"Oh, that's right. You'd run off on the wife and son you already had."

My hand shot out and wrapped around his throat, pushing him against the wall. My guilt flared, fuelling my anger.

"Well, this must be familiar to you, up against a wall for acting like an ass... no, wait; last time I knocked you out. Well, this time you can say conscious for the pain." I tightened my grip, feel him trying to swallow, even as his eyes bulge.

"Joshua!" Sarah appears around the corner, stunning me with her beauty, her short black dress flaring out at the knees, swirling around her, her face shocked.

"Let him go! What do you think you are doing?"

"I have a very long memory. What's he even here for?" A strangled cry escapes his mouth, and I let him go. If only she hadn't told me to...

"I told you I was dating, Josh."

"Him?" My mouth drops open in shock.

"Josh. That was forever ago."

I growl again.

She sighs, and turns to Simon.

"Look, I have plans. I am not going to fight with you about this. I'll see you later."

"Sarah."

"Don't, Simon. We're not married."

If I could have, I would have hit him just for the look in his eyes, like she wasn't behaving.

"Fine." He stepped out the door behind me, slamming it so the door frame shook.

"What are you doing, Sarah?" I ask quietly.

"Don't even..." She stops, breathing slowly. "Josh," she finally starts again. "You've been gone so long. And I think...I think he has changed." She finished on a low note.

"Huh."

"Look, can we not talk about that? I'd rather we get going..." she picks up her jacket, looking slightly uncomfortable.

"Of course." I lead her out to the car, opening the passenger door. Her smile blinds me. "So you haven't changed. I had hoped you wouldn't."

"I will never change, Sarah." I said somewhat sadly. In her mind, that was something nice, in mine...it meant I would always be the same monster.

* * * * *

'La Bella Italia'. I look up at the sign of the restaurant as I help Sarah out of the car. I lead her into the restaurant, my hand behind me, half hoping she'll reach out to take it. She doesn't.

The lady at the front shoes us to a quiet booth, and leaves menu's for us. Sarah shifts uncomfortably.

"Sarah?"

"Is this right?" she blurts out. "I mean, after everything...should we be doing this?"

I frown into my menu before looking up and answering. "I _am_ sorry, Sarah. For everything I have put you through. I never wanted..." I took a deep breath. This was faster than I had wanted to bring this up. "I never wanted to hurt you. Or Julia either. Or Sam..."

"I know, that's...it's not exactly what I mean."

I frown again. "I'm confused."

"What...what will this mean for Embry? And me? What would I do if you left again?" she drifted off at the end, almost talking to herself.

"Sarah." I drop my menu, reaching to curl my hands around hers. "I will never leave you again. If you still want me."

"I..." she looks flustered. "I don't know what I want."

I squeeze her hand lightly, and return to my menu. "Pasta, then?" I smile.

* * * * *

Laughing, I pull the car back into Sarah's driveway. She was regaling me with stories of Embry when he was young.

"It was funny. He was such a serious little thing, and then he came out with that."

"I wish I could have been there." I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Yeah." She said quietly. "I wish you were, too."

I follow her to her door.

"So," she says shyly. "I had a nice time tonight."

"So did I." I say emphatically.

"Uh...well. I guess I'll see you around."

"Sarah." I place my hands lightly on her shoulders. Instead of pulling away, like I expect her to, she leans in to me. I shiver in delight. "I would love to stay a while, see how things....pan out. If you'd let me."

"Oh." She leans in closer. "Please. Stay."

I press a soft quick kiss to her upturned mouth, my heart singing with joy.

"Goodnight, my beautiful Sarah."

"Goodnight, Joshua." She slides in the door, peeking out until it is entirely closed.

My steps as I return to my car are light hearted, happy.

I think about Embry, and Sam.

I wonder how they will take the news.


	30. Which Pack? His Pack!

**Joshua's POV**

The house is bustling when I slip through Sam and Emily's front door.

"Sam. Is something wrong? Where's Anthony?"

"He's fine, Joshua." He tosses me a hurried smile. "It's Leah." Little Leah Clearwater. I watch my son, hurrying about, remembering the day I saw the two of them together.

"What's the rush?" I'm still on a high from my night with Sarah.

"She's having her baby. She asked for Emily." Sam pauses for a moment to look at me.

"This is a really big moment. Leah and Emily, they're cousins. And when I…" he spread his hands wide. "Well, you know the drill. Leah hasn't even wanted to look at Emily, for so long…but things are finally picking up. We need to be there."

I nod. "I understand. You are lucky; you know that she's a wolf too." I grab the bag he is stuffing with overnight necessities.

"I know. You really did have it hard. I feel bad for being so angry with you for so long."

"You had every right."

"No." He reached out his hand to me. "I didn't understand."

I touched his fingers. "I wish you never had to. At least things are becoming ok." I smile sheepishly. "Things are going alright for me, too."

"Oh?" He stops what he's working on to look at me in surprise.

"Well, dinner went…well."

"And?"

"I think I might, you know, stay in La Push for a bit longer than expected."

He grinned at me. "That's great. Now, we better get going."

* * * * *

It doesn't fail to amaze me, how comfortable Sam and Emily, as well as Seth Clearwater, are around the vampires. Every time I breathe in, I feel like destroying something. Or ripping off my nose.

The little one, Alice, perches next to me on the sofa.

"Joshua!" She smiles.

I can't help but smile in return. She is so _happy_.

"I'll bet this is weird for you."

I snort. "Yeah, just a bit."

"You'll get used to it." I raise one eyebrow; I can't see how I will ever get used to vampires. I'm barely used to the idea of werewolves, and I am one.

"Shapeshifters, technically." My gaze flies up, to the bronze haired vampire that has suddenly appeared in the room.

"Sorry?"

"Your…ancestors. And you, of course. You are shapeshifters, not werewolves."

"Oh." Strange, it had almost seemed like he had picked the thought right out of my head.

He sighed. "I did."

A growl rolled up my throat.

"Easy, Joshua. It's a gift of mine, no harm intended."

A mind reading vampire, could things get any stranger for me? Apparently so.

* * * * *

Spending the night in a house full of vampires is just the start. I have to admit it amazed me to find that there was food around; a luxury I hadn't expected, considering their appetite, but food there was and plenty of it. I was in the kitchen for the fifth time that day, laughing to myself at the sight of Alice dancing around the house setting out flowers, trying her hand at cooking human food, trying to prepare things for Embry and Suyai's reception. Alice was clearly at home organizing celebrations of any sort.

Leah, in true wolf fashion, had born her son and risen from the bed within hours, everyone marveling at the difference between this birth and her previous one; I smile when anyone asks what I think; I don't want to spoil the excitement by reminding them I wasn't there the first time around.

Seth spends the day reminding us of his new nephews name, Manque Seth Clearwater; informing everyone countless times that his middle name is _Seth_, just so we don't forget.

We're not the only ones who stayed here the night; Emily and Sam sit with Anthony in the living room on the couch marveling over their baby and how wonderful it will be for their son and Leah's to grow up together. And the clock continues to turn.

I smell Embry before I hear him, even with my sensitive ears, and I freeze, the salami I found in the fridge half way to my mouth.

I tune out much of what is happening, steadying myself, knowing that he will either take my news extremely well, or extremely badly.

I hoped for the former, but I strongly suspected the latter.

"Better tell him the rest." I hear Suyai say, and sigh. Darn special gifts. I was hoping to break the idea a little more gradually.

I emerge slowly into the lounge, chewing off a huge hunk of sausage to prepare my nerves, and swallowing quickly.

Sam looks at me uncomfortably.

"Let me tell him myself." I say, trying for a relaxed grin.

"Joshua?" Embry stares at me in surprise.

Another mouthful, another steadying set of calories.

I almost choke on this bit, but manage to gulp it down past the lump in my throat. "Think I might stay for a while, son."

His eyes widen even more. "Uh, why?"

I notice much of the Cullen household has appeared. I could do with a bit of the blonde ones calming influence now…Edward grins broadly at me as Jacob moves across the room, stepping in front of his imprint. Even Nahuel has come to see what all the excitement is about.

I am a coward, I know. "Well, I thought I might be some use. You know; the baby and all." I gesture towards my new grandson, smiling.

"Joshua." Emily's voice barely holds its calm tone. Yep, I'm done for. "Stop beating around the bush."

"Ah…" I _really _don't want to do this. A deep breath…and full steam ahead. "Ah, see, well. Your Mom and I had a little chat after you and Suyai left." I skip over the bit where we had dinner.

"Mmm." Embry's eyes narrow slightly, I don't think he even realizes he is subconsciously prepared for my words.

"And we thought we might, you know, try for a fresh start." I prepare for the back lash, and I am not disappointed. One minute, my son stands before me, the next a monstrous wolf, shredded clothes flying.

I inwardly sigh, knowing what this means for me. Even before he has leapt off the floor, I am phased too, a strange feeling after so many years.

I stand stock still, refusing to avoid his hits, knowing he needs to vent how he feels, knowing to that I can take it, the first time I have been thankful for this curse.

The pain along my shoulder is sharp, but much less than I know I deserve; I'm surprised when Nahuel grabs hold of Embry and holds him back, his teeth snapping at the air barely inches from my muzzle.

"Easy brother, you don't want to do this." He murmurs to my son.

And then...my other son stands on four legs before me, defending me.

Another phase to my right; Jacob.

The strangest thing _ever_, and yes I mean _ever_. For a second I hear Sam's thoughts (_Embry, you'll regret this_), then Jacob's (_Whoa, weird…_), then Sam again… (_What the? Can you hear me Joshua?_), and then, before I can answer… (_**STOP**_) – Jacob.

My knees buckle at the same time Embry's do. Huh. So this is what it means to be part of a pack. Yeah, I'm glad now Sam refused my help, I don't think I'd take to bowing to my son's orders too well; it just goes against the grain.

_Huh. I had a feeling that might happen. _So odd, having Jacob black in my head…

_Goody for you._ Embry Call, certainly my son.

I give voicing my own opinion a try. _Embry, I don't want to fight with you. _Huh. That was easy, strange, but easy.

_Course not; you just want to wander back in as though nothing has ever happened, as though Mom hasn't been miserable for years._

I can't control the shudder that passes through me at his thoughts. I know what I've done, and I can never forgive myself for it. _You know I never wanted that. _I respond sadly.

_Well, sure seems like you weren't worried then._

A flame of hurt rips through me_. What did you want me to do? Destroy Sam and his Mom because I loved _your _Mom too much? What's fair in that? They were as much innocent bystanders as your Mom was._

_I'm outta here._

I watch miserably as Embry spins away from me in disgust, pausing only to wait for Suyai to climb on his enormous back.

Massive tears drip down my cheeks as I watch him run.

_He needs time, Joshua. I think it would be best if we phased back, leave him be._ I nod to Jacob, accepting, and amble forlornly to the kitchen to phase in private.

My poor son.

And still, the hurting continues. Will it _ever _end?


	31. Another Chance, My Love?

I pace nervously around the Cullen's large kitchen, ignoring the pitying glances of Esme and Alice as they dart in and out with huge trays of food. Even though it was only last night that I spent a wonderful evening with Sarah, I'm terrified the light of a new day may bring second thoughts. Not from me, of course, there are no thoughts other than adoration for her from me, but…

I continue to pace.

The door bell rings, and the first guests arrive for the celebration; Embry and Suyai's reception. Alice grins at me as she dances out of the kitchen to answer it. Who would ever have guessed that vampires could be so _nice_?

"That's a kind thought, Joshua." Edward says absently, as he enters the kitchen with his daughter, trying to tempt her with some of the human food.

"Ick." She says. I smile. Clearly, like any child, she will stick stubbornly to only the food she likes. I sigh. I wish I could have seen those moments with my sons.

"You will have other moments."  
I smile and head into the slowly filling living room, leaving him to his efforts.

Most of the group is werewolves, of course, Suyai having no family other than her brother and Embry, only his mother and I aside from his pack.

Packs, I should think. How odd. In my own time, their was only me and now…there are so many, I have lost count.

A few boys stand whispering amongst themselves in the corner. I attune myself to their conversation, carefully studying the platter of cold meats Esme has just placed on the table.

"I'm confused. Didn't the others say vamps are the enemy? How can we just eat their food and pretend it's ok?"

"Well, Sam's here." One of the others answers, unsure. "That would make it okay, wouldn't it? And I _am_ hungry…"

I smile to myself. It's funny to hear Sam spoken of in that tone, as the leader these boys turn to…my heart swells with pride again.

I'm still dwelling on this when I smell her arrival. My whole body freezes, flight or fight instincts warring within me. Stay and see her, or run like a coward? It's not even a question, not really. I don't want to miss a second.

The door bell rings, and I hang back, shy.

"Sarah. It's so nice that you came." Esme, ever the perfect hostess. Not that I disagree. I am so happy…

But…a human, in a room full of vamps and wolves? My shyness dissipates. My fear outweighs. And I walk hurriedly to the front door where Esme and Sarah still stand.

Sarah. My Sarah. Even though it was only last night I saw her, her beauty hits me over again. Her upturned nose and bow mouth…I want to lean over and kiss her. But I don't.

And her scent…that wonderful mix of floral and fruit…again underscored by wine. My nostrils twitch at the too sweet smell.

"Sarah."

"Joshua!" She seems…I like to believe the look she is giving me is one of relief and happiness…maybe I am day dreaming. "Oh, I am so glad you're here."

"I think I will leave you two alone." Esme smiles, gliding away to continue with the trail of food for the guests.

I can't speak. Every time I see Sarah I feel slightly lost…

"Ah, do you think I could come in?" She asks, a half smile turning up the corner of her mouth.

"Oh, yeah, of course." I stand back and watch her lithe grace as crosses the threshold, her shoulder length hair swirling like silk with every movement.

"Ah…" I glance around the room quickly, spotting a couch that is almost empty, boasting only Seth Clearwater sprawled out frame. "This way."

I seat myself next to Seth, leaving the remaining end spot open for Sarah. I want her as far from all the wolves and vamps as I possibly can.

"Is this not strange? Embry, married…" A far away look entered her eyes. Her memories, the ones I was fool enough to not be a part of. "When he was small, I never thought he would leave my side, and then, in his teens…" she laughed, light and happy. "He went through so many girlfriends I felt sure he would be a playboy for life."

I smiled, imagining the man I knew the way she remembered him. I'd only known an imprinted wolf, with eyes for no one, exactly like myself. I couldn't picture him any other way.

"Even as recently as a few months ago, he was out on a date with some other girl…Ella, I believe her name was."

Beside me, Seth growled, and pushed himself up off the sofa, stalking across the room to glare at us from the window. Odd.

"And married. I wonder if it will be babies next…"

Babies. More grandchildren, this time my and Sarah's. That would be nice.

The doorbell rings again, and another girl enters, looks around quickly and flies across the room to a still glaring Seth.

"Seth!" I hear her say. "I missed you!"

He turns his face from the sofa, his eyes lighting up with the kind of adoration only an imprint can elicit.

"Ella, I missed you too." He emphasized her name, and now I understood his irritation. It was the same thing that made me want to smash Simon against a wall. He faced me again and I caught his eye, nodding one. 'I understand, no harm done'. He returned the nod tersely, and turned back to his girl.

I return my focus to mine. She is talking animatedly, more stories of Embry, as though she wants me to know every detail of every moment of his life. I could imagine nothing better, excepting the chance to have been there to see it all unfold.

Her hair shimmers and swishes as she moves, and my hand reaches out of its own accord, touching lightly. She stops abruptly, looks at me in surprise, then smiles shyly and continues on.

I scent Embry outside the house, but even y desire to repair the damage done is not enough to raw me from my Sarah. Her eyes sparkle as she talks, happiness oozing from every pore. I like to believe it's me that is making her so happy, but I am certain it couldn't be, it must be her memories. I drop my hand from her hair, reach out to touch her fingers resting lightly in her lap.

"I'm not 17 any more, Joshua." She says suddenly, and my eyes widen.

"I don't get you."

"I'm not naïve, I'm not…silly."

My heart stops beating, I'm sure. This is the part where she tells me I've done her wrong, and how she can never forgive me.

"No, but then, you never were, Sarah. It was me who was the idiot."

Her head ducks, and her cheeks go a faint shade of pink. "I don't mean I regret a single moment, Josh."

My heart restarts.

"I mean…I was so young, such a foolish child. I never thought past a single moment with you…I never thought of the future…"

I gulp.

"Now I am. Now I see how short life is, and I don't want to take any chances." Her eyes flicker back to me. "I don't want to take things one day at a time, I want you. All of you. All the time."

The beating of my heart doubles, even as my palms begin to sweat.


End file.
